In the aftermath of the worldwide print media collapse, only one news source stands between the residents of Schurz Residence Hall and a media blackout. Rather, the resident run news publication The Schurz Tentacle would provide a beacon of news in an otherwise black abyss if it ever got published.

The Tentacle gets its seemingly odd name because the newspaper “teases, tickles, and sucks like an octopus’ tentacle.” The paper was conceived during the fall semester of 2009, originally as an easily accessible way for new journalism students to get published. However, a general lack of interest or need has delayed the project for the last two and half years.

As great of a problem as the lack of hyper-local, dorm-centric journalism is, most residents have more pressing issues in mind. The slow death of the news can be partially explained by the switch from original reporting to aggregation.

“Everyone is aggregating in the showers. It is clogging up the drains,” resident Edward Crusoe said.

Besides shower aggregation, students cited overly bright hallway lights, “weird cabbage smells” from the girls’ hallway and “someone, somehow, crapping on the toilet seats” as issues more important than the lack of a monthly three page MS Word document with blurry pictures of people you think you’ve seen on the elevator but you can’t be sure.

The well meaning but over-extended Residence Hall Staff sponsor in charge of the project remains hopeful, despite a lack of staff or a published issue. “Everyone is unique and important. I don’t want to be the bad guy, but could you guys keep it down? Affirmative action. Happy ‘Love Your Environment/ Recycle for Domestic Violence and MS Patient Awareness Penny-War Fundraiser Week’! Cats are hilarious,” said Don Cheadle, Peer Advisor and Co-Star of the Reign Over Me, the critically-acclaimed, feel-good movie of the year.

The editor-in-chief of The Schurz Tentacle could not be reached, as no one has yet applied for the position.