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How To Deliver A Speech At Speaker’s Circle: Science
Article by
JakeWallach
April 27, 2012 at 6:08 am
Complete stegosaurus fossil turns out to be Cheerios, broken bits of Cheerios
The entire scientific community held its collective breath last week when the most complete Stegosaurus fossil yet discovered was announced via press release. The press release reported that the nearly complete remains of the 27-foot armored stegosaurid dinosaur were discovered on a kitchen floor in Columbia, MO. “As there was never a precedent for the... MORE »
“Open Mike Night” not the same as “Open Mic Night” says Medical Student
A dozen or so eager students arrived in the basement of the Medical Sciences Building last night with acoustic guitars and crumpled notebook pages heavy with the ink of fresh poetry. The sudden appearance of knit caps and Chuck Taylor’s amongst the sea of surgical scrubs and face masks surprised the med students, who were... MORE »
Report: 90% of Mizzou undergraduate students “seem mad “
The Dept. of Psychology at the University of Missouri has just released the results of a groundbreaking 10-year study conducted by Dr. Bram Wiesel entitled “U MAD BRO, U SEEM MAD: A look at anger in college age populations.” The results indicate that, among the 1,876 students surveyed, over 90% between the ages of 18-22... MORE »
Campus Basement 101: How to Interpret an Article
As the website grows and more people read our articles, it’s come to our attention that lots of people may be asking what the FUCK is this? Which is understandable. I mean, our name suggests drug deals and other illegal activities. But like, are these articles serious shit or did we just pull them out... MORE »
Windows Media Player wins Florida’s Electoral Votes
The voting machine issues that once again plagued The Sunshine State this election seemed to have been resolved with the decision to award Florida’s 29 electoral votes to Windows Media Player. The default software won nearly 80% of the votes cast after Dieitalics Voting Systems employees accidentally left the “open at start-up box” checked-in. Many... MORE »
Jake’s Movie Monday: Mizzou Basement Promo
Promo within a promo within a promo MORE »
The Biggest Bullshitter: The Abominable Snowman
Who’s that “Biggest Bullshitter”? It’s Abominable Snowman! (Koffing!) Abominable Snowman is a Fiscally Conservative but Socially Liberal type Pokemon. Abominable Snowman are birds in the family Laridae. They are the largest and also the most tall of all Pokemon, or more accurately: they are not, being of average relative height and weight.... MORE »
21 year old sorority girl surprised to learn alcoholic drinks cost money
A tragic scene occurred at Campus Bar & Grill and then Harpo’s on Wednesday night. Jamie Ellen, a member of Sigma Sigma Alpha, was celebrating her 21st birthday, which took a turn for the worst when both bars tried to charge her for the alcohol that she had been drinking. “It happens a lot more... MORE »
Marching Mizzou feels like “Party Rockin'”
Our marching band “Marching Mizzou” has struggled to gain the respect they deserve. It could be the obnoxious fuzzy hats, the anime band nerd stereotype or that their half time shows include music from the dark ages. But as the band has recently added “I just had sex,” to their playlist, they’ve found a way... MORE »
California’s 9th Circuit rules that Prop 8 is still pretty gay
Much to presidential hopeful Rick Santorum’s dismay, California’s 9th Circuit ruled that the infamous Proposition 8, which would ban gay marriage in California, was deemed unconstitutional. In response, Santorum used words like “absurd” and “judicial tyranny.” He also vowed that he would fight to overturn the ruling should he be elected president. “It’s hard to... MORE »
Sorority Girl Stunned After Not Being Nominated for Academy Award For Homecoming Skit
A University of Missouri student and member of the Delta Kappa Rho sorority was shocked yesterday when she was not nominated for an Academy Award. Julie Anne Drew starred in “Sonata de Truman,” the 1790s-themed production of Delta Kappa Rho, Alpha Sigma Sigma, and Rho Rho Rho. Drew procrastinated her hospitality management homework... MORE »
The Biggest Bullshitter: Gargoyles
You gasp for air for a couple seconds, and than he puts you right back in. The toilet water smells like a combination of asparagus piss and sparrow semen. Although, you’re not even that mad about it, and you know why? The man that is shoving your frail head into the toilet, Bobby the Gargoyle.... MORE »
Jake’s Movie Monday: Twittervention
It’s a problem MORE »
Jake’s Movie Monday: Mizzou Basement Promo
Promo within a promo within a promo MORE »
Jake’s Movie Monday: Stop Ice Cream Homicide
An epidemic that is plaguing Plaza 900 goers MORE »
Jake’s Movie Monday: GDI Life
A tale of a God Damn Independent. MORE »
Jake’s Movie Monday: On My Birthday
Nobody wants to do anything on their birthday. MORE »
Jake’s Movie Monday: LSD, the Legging Skin Disorder
A Trend Gone Terribly Wrong MORE »