Mizzou basketball games have their own mixture of a family culture, fan pride and intense competition. None more so than at halftime, where there are a plethora of fan-participation competitions. 

This year, a new game was introduced. A blind race””Truman collects the contestants’ shoes, the players face the student section, and Truman scatters shoes around half-court. The first player to put their shoes back on and get to the other side of the court first, wins an iPod Shuffle. However last week’s champion can attest that words can be slippery like an eel, or a tube of KY Jelly. 

Jim Mannheim was promised the iPod, only to receive something altogether different.

Unlike the Zune, the newer iPod Shuffle screams ‘Give this man oral sex!’. 

“I got a first generation Zune. What the shit?” Mannheim said. “I was going to give the iPod to this sorostitute in my business lecture. In exchange I’d coax her into some after-class filatio. But what the hell is she going to do with this?”

Campus Basement called Mizzou Arena to look for answers. We were directed to the Athletic Department and gathered an exclusive statement. 

“Mr. Mannheim was promised an iPod Shuffle for winning the halftime event, however, at this moment in time the university and the athletic department are having problems gathering funds for small expenditures of this sort,”Athletic Department spokesperson Camilla Newton said. 

When asked where all the money is going, Newton revealed the following. 

“We are neck-deep in our SEC transition, therefore our funding focus has shifted to paying potential football players–I mean potential sponsors. Yes, sponsors.” 

Distraught over the declining likelihood of his blowjob coaxing scheme, Mannheim remained partially optimistic.

“If I can’t figure this damn thing out, then there’s no hope for her. I mean who knows; perhaps she’ll still schlob on my knob. I’ll just tell her inside the Zune is a key to a brand new Corvette. Then she’ll break it open and I won’t feel so guilty giving her this piece,” Mannheim said. “I just hope she’s not some idiot savant who’s well versed in identifying shitty MP3 players.”

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