In light of the current atmosphere of increased attention to
other cultures, Mizzou officials look to cover all their bases this holiday
season by providing décor and activities in celebration of not only all present
holidays but also any future holidays celebrated by religions not yet
practiced.
“According
to the 2008 American Religious Identification Survey, only 85% of Americans defined
themselves as “religious,” Director of Campus Merriment Christopher Johnson
said, “We aim to make sure that the minority of religious America doesn’t feel
unwelcome to celebrate any holiday traditions they have.”
In previous
years, the University appeared to be content with merely acknowledging all
current holiday traditions. Due to the perceived “inevitability of future-born
time travellers living among us,” however, future religions and their
respective holidays are to be given equal attention to current holidays such as
Hannukah, Ramadan, Kwanza, Winter Solstice, Festivus, and Sir Isaac Newton’s
Birthday.
Some of the
many holidays University officials believe will one day be celebrated en masse
are Don Cheadle-a-thon, Verizon Presents Christmas 2: The Reckoning,
Gingerpalooza, and Lobster Fest.
“I’m really
looking forward to Don Cheadle-a-thon. Whenever the Cult of Don Cheadle gains
mainstream prominence some time during the next century, all Americans will at
least casually partake in the watching of Hotel
Rwanda and all the clips of Ocean’s
11 that have Don Cheadle,” Junior Joaquin Josephs said.
One of the
bigger, future holidays will be Gingerpalooza. According to anonymous
futurists, after the last ginger human dies in 2045, a new one will be born in
2555 to bring hope back to humanity through a new religion around the orange,
freckled messiah.
“Gingers
had to bear the burdens of our world, but the chosen one will return so that
lazy, unintelligent mouth breathers will have jokes to make once again. So
brave!” Freshman Reggie Leddit said.
In addition
to Don Cheadle screenings, there will be theme parties and campus decorations
for the other future holidays. Conservative budget estimates for the additional
merriment is set to be around $18 billion US dollars. To cover the enormous
planned deficit, moneys will be diverted from scholarships and professors’
salaries.
“Sure, next
year the university will have negative four professors, four people will pay us to
tell students wrong information, but the extra celebrations are more than worth
it,” University spokesman Don Cheadle said.
“Be sure to
check out “House of Lies’ Sundays on Showtime after “Shameless’,” he added, “Do
you guys remember when I was in Hotel for
Dogs?”
This is the
first holiday overhaul that Mizzou has undertaken since the infamous “Winter
Sacrifice to Zoroaster’ of ’76.
