It is terribly important that we all at Cornell, get A’s on every exam and every paper. But, the most important weeks of our year come in December and May. Finals week.

From interviews and experience Cornell Basement has found that the ultimate key to success during Finals Week is sex.
Yes, you can be excited about this one people. Pause to allow for applause and cheers.
The best way to release the stress of finals is the fuck. Not only is it scientifically proven to release endorphins and make you just happy beyond belief, but it was also proven by Cornell scientists that sex really does feel good
For those of us lucky enough to be in a serious relationship we have the upper-hand and have automatic sex so based on everything I’ve learned in Psych101, this correlation proves causation, and I will ace all my finals. But, for you lonely, unlucky, Cornellians out there you can find a fuck too.
Now you are all thinking, “I know this already strange woman who is constantly writing ridiculously hilarious articles, but how do I go about finding someone to consistently fuck during finals week so to guarantee an A!?”
Ah yes, young samurai, there are a few ways of doing this…
1. You know that kid who has been trying to hook-up with you every night since O-Week, but you are beyond uninterested? Yeah…them. Shoot em a text after 10pm any night of the week. You’ll see how fast they show up in your bed. And check that out – you didn’t even have to put on pants…because they were gonna come off anyways.
2. You’ve been consistently hooking up with someone, but haven’t slept with them yet because you don’t want it to turn into anything serious..that someone. Just do it. Make the move and sleep with them. You’re not gonna regret it when your GPA sky-rockets. And then after finals week is over you go home and then 2nd semester rolls around…weird that you got a new phone and lost their number during the transaction. BOOM.
3. And lastly, the random. See that kid staring at you from across the table in Mann. DON’T FUCK THEM! That’s crazy I would never suggest that. Make sure you fuck a random that has at least has 10 mutual friends with you on Facebook. 
So, go now. You have become the master. Find that special someone ASAP to get you through these next few cold Ithaca nights, and miserable exams. And then once you leave for break and celebrate the new year, you are free and clean of them. Unless you’re in a relationship, then you should probably call him/her.
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