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Warren Hall Hopes You Are Practicing Safe Studying
Picture by
apost
December 9, 2011 at 4:14 pm
As finals week progresses Cornell Administrative staff wish all of the students a safe and healthy experience. Walking to Mann today it was difficult NOT to notice the giant blown-up condoms coming out of Warren Hall. Let it be a reminder to us all on this fine day: you're super horny, but you're in the library this entire weekend because of that huge final on Monday...sucks to be you! Oh and always use protection.
Breaking News: Lefties Protest Outside Olin
Yesterday, outside Olin Library, Lefties came together to protest against the abundance of righty desks and lack of lefty desks around Cornell’s Campus. With so many famous, successful, lefties, it is disturbing to these students that they are underrepresented. “We used to be persecuted against. There’s a long history of discrimination against our people. My... MORE »
Promiscuous Daily Sun Photographer Catalogues 161 O-Faces of Cornell
In a special feature of Monday’s Daily Sun, libidinous Sun photographer Stephanie Adams ’13 unveiled a year-long project in which she captured the euphoric faces of 161 Cornell men and women mid-orgasm, and then edited the photos into black and white. The 4-page long spread encapsulates the diversity of the Cornell study body, through its... MORE »
My Winter Break Movie Guidelines
If you’re like me then your winter break has been jam packed with movies, and if you’re Jewish like me then these aren’t movies that you’ve paid for. I put more effort into researching a movie I might have to pay to see in theatres than I’ve put into my thesis. First, I check RottenTomatoes.com... MORE »
Things I Hate About Females. Written by a Female.
Look, don’t let the title of this article fool you. I love being a girl. There’s nothing more satisfying than being able to have casual sex every weekend simply by wearing a low cut top with something shiny and distracting on it and mentioning that I have an N64 to go along with my piece... MORE »
4.0 GPA Totally Compensates for Sex-less Semester, Rationalizes Freshman
Upon checking his course grades on student center, freshman Phineas Plottman expressed tempered joy and mild exuberance over the fact that his semester spent not fornicating with members of the opposite sex, culminated in a 4.0 GPA. “Oh my gosh, this feeling is so amazing,” said Plottman meekly, “definitely more satisfying than repeatedly thrusting my... MORE »
Mann Library Sees Increased Attendance Through Rental of Sex Rooms
In attempt to attract more students to the library and to reduce student stress during finals week, Mann library converted all of its rarely-used study rooms into sex rooms. This initiative was sponsored by Cornell CARES, and proved to be a major hit over the course of study week. “Hardly anybody would ever rent out... MORE »
Transfer Pride: I used to go to Maryland
I used to go to a real school. One where there were tailgates and acid dropping on a Monday at 6pm before Lab and a real Greek Week/Homecoming. Ah yes and one where the Jewish Council students broke it down real hard in the library during finals week. At Cornell we have Club Mann…..at UMD... MORE »
This Is What I Made Instead Of Studying
Finals Week! MORE »
Finals Fornication
It is terribly important that we all at Cornell, get A’s on every exam and every paper. But, the most important weeks of our year come in December and May. Finals week. From interviews and experience Cornell Basement has found that the ultimate key to success during Finals Week is sex. Yes, you can be... MORE »
Cornell Finals Week Problems
It’s 8AM the Saturday before finals and Olin isn’t open so you study on the roof attempting not to freeze your ass off. It’s 12PM and you spend 30 minutes on the phone with Expedia.com because your flight home has changed and they send you an email telling you to call them immediately, but only... MORE »
No Spring Maintenance….
After last Friday’s 85-degree weather, it appears that Cornell University has used all of its spring maintenance funding on keeping the Lake Effects snow out of the forecast, not accounting for the shocking, yet annual, mid-April snow and sleet storm. While on a campus tour this morning, a pre-frosh was overheard stating “well, it can... MORE »
Hunger Games At Cornell: Which College Will Win?
Ezra Cornell was actually a pretty twisted President. When he founded Cornell he also said that at the 147th (arbitrary number chosen similar practice done by the Mayans for their calendars) Commencement, rather than have the standard “all rise and all sit, congratulations you’ve graduated” at the ceremony, all 4 state colleges will have a... MORE »
Cornell University Hides Oprah
What some people thought was an April Fools joke at Cornell University was actually reality! Oprah was at Cornell. But, how did nobody know about her arrival, her stay or her departure? If anyone could pull off a magic trick like this it is David Blaine. Yes, Cornellians that is right. Cornell Administrators paid David... MORE »
Mayor Bloomberg Professes Love to Cornell in Song and Dance:
Go to time 2:10 MORE »
Yogurt Crazy Bases Hours on New Cornell Study
A new business study from the Dyson School at Cornell shows that undergraduates only eat frozen yogurt at two points: when they are drunk or when the sun has completely set. When the Daily Sun article came out, students were confused as to whether or not this article was meant to be written for the... MORE »
Breaking News: Lefties Protest Outside Olin
Yesterday, outside Olin Library, Lefties came together to protest against the abundance of righty desks and lack of lefty desks around Cornell’s Campus. With so many famous, successful, lefties, it is disturbing to these students that they are underrepresented. “We used to be persecuted against. There’s a long history of discrimination against our people. My... MORE »
Study Buddy: A Cornell Basement Syndicated Column
Dear guy sitting behind me in Mann who keeps making sighing noises, I REFUSE to turn around and acknowledge you. I don’t care, I won’t turn around and look at you. Others might, but not me. Your sighs are getting louder and closer together like you’re having contractions. I WON’T look back. Eyes on my... MORE »
RUMORS: Ithaca Mayor dating a Kardashian?
Oh and don’t worry it’s not Khloe…she and Lamar are like a rock. Sturdy and round. Some people have been trying to throw viewers off course by saying that Kim Kardashian is dating Jeremy Lin of the New York Knicks. But we all know she is trying to steer clear of athletes and singers due... MORE »
How to Have a Successful Chilifest: Ithaca 2012
Ithaca has gorges, wineries, Cornell, Applefest and Chilifest. That’s about it. There is nothing else going for this city so it is important to know how to make the best of what you have. 1. Never pay for chili: you might be asking….how can I enjoy such a glorious day without paying for any chili? ah... MORE »
Top 5 Worst Gifts Received on Valentine’s Day: Cornell Style
1. A Photo Framed of Yourself: you know that you’re in a terrible relationship when you boyfriend gives you a framed picture of himself for Valentine’s Day. Yes, GQ rated us the doucheiest school in the country, but your boyfriend takes the cake. His graduation photo with the cap and gown…what are you his Aunt?... MORE »
Shit Cornellians at Cornell Say
Agreed upon by some disagreed upon by few….these are the shits that we say up in here. MORE »
BREAKING NEWS: Cornell Working to Hire Victor Cruz as Salsa 101 Instructor
Everyone at Cornell (except transfers…how come they get away with this?) has to take two gym classes and a swim test before they are able to graduate. For some reason it is important that we have both academic knowledge and have 6 credits worth of some physical activity knowledge. We are a well rounded university!... MORE »
Incidences of Hypothermia Increase Due to Lack of Alcohol During Pledging
Even though, in recent weeks, the weather in Ithaca has been unseasonably warm, because of lack of alcohol during pledging students have found themselves feeling like a foreigner….cold as ice (to any 80s music fans out there). “I used to wear a liquor jacket out ever night. Now I’m freezing outside because I can actually... MORE »
We Don’t Eat Meat….Or Products of Anything With Feelings
Ah yes, another “you know you go to Cornell when” photo. This is more than that though. This is a warning sign. If you see this car be cautious, the people on board are angry because they are most likely hungry. Additionally they are probably mad at you because you support hydrofracking even though you... MORE »
The Giants v. The 49ers: From a Guy Who Doesn’t Know About Sports
So you’re probably thinking, why don’t I know anything about sports? I am a guy and I want to join a frat. Not the typical stereotype now, am I? Yeah, breaking barriers! Anyway, I played sports when I was a kid. Standard, Little League and soccer where everyone runs around chasing the ball and there... MORE »
You’ve Done it Again. RIP Palms O’Clock.
Dear Cornell, Thank you. Sincerely, Graduating seniors and recent alums Yes, we thank you for all the hard work you have put in, to make us want to leave your campus, and be okay with the fact that our jobs are so competitive and demanding that we are unable to make the trip to come... MORE »
Drunk Letters To Santa (Cornell)
This article is part of our “Let’s Keep This Website Awesome Over Winter Break” Tournament series. Check out the opposing article here and be sure to ‘like’ your favorite! YOOO FAT WHITE BIIIITCH!!! So like my bizniss manager sed it’d be a good meiffovve to write you a lettttter about shit I wnt in my... MORE »
Transfer Pride: I used to go to Maryland
I used to go to a real school. One where there were tailgates and acid dropping on a Monday at 6pm before Lab and a real Greek Week/Homecoming. Ah yes and one where the Jewish Council students broke it down real hard in the library during finals week. At Cornell we have Club Mann…..at UMD... MORE »