“That was fast,” recent safety mascot hire Kurt SC mumbles
from his hospital bed. He picks forlornly at the sheets. “My campaign had been going for,
what, two weeks?”

Kurt woke up from a five day coma this afternoon, and he
says his short run as campus preventative safety darling is over. He briefly
considered returning as a cautionary tale ““ but he says the midday bike mobs at
USC are irreparably dangerous. “I’d help if I thought I could, but, man”¦ I’ve
got a kid. I’ve got a wife.”

Kurt believes there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

“The midday bike traffic is”¦ Otherworldly. Inhuman. Like if
feral dogs were riding all these bikes, but they were also completely blind and had never been taught about traffic laws, that would be less terrifying
than trying to walk through a Jefferson intersection.”

According to the DPS reports, Kurt was crossing Childs Way
at 12:23 PM when he was crushed between two bikers who had been about to
collide head-on with each other. Nearly unconscious, he leaned over to make
sure the students were OK when an oncoming skateboarder panicked and fell on
top of him.

“On the bright side, the blow from the bikers’ crash was
absorbed entirely by my body,” he wheezes, with a cough. “They, and the
skateboarder who was unable to swerve around me, are totally fine.”

Balloons emblazoned with the slogan “WALK YOUR BIKE!”
flutter sadly near an air vent in a corner of the room. “My manager Ron
bought those for me as a joke,” Kurt explains. “He’s a dick.” 

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