Dear Reader,
I don’t think you understand how important it is that you’re
reading this article. For at this very moment, you are in fact saving lives.
Whose lives? Our lives. The lives of us trapped down here in this basement
forced to write articles for your amusement.
Are you confused? Let me explain. The name “Campus Basement”
is not merely a clever name for this website of entertaining collegiate-related
articles. No. We’re all locked in a basement. Different basements at different
universities all around the country ““ Florida State, Mizzou, and even here at
USC ““ and let me tell you it’s not a pretty sight. For instance, the basement
at Cornell University is occupied by nine staff writers who all must share the same shower cap that poses for a restroom. It gets really hard to pass that thing
back and forth once it starts getting full. Over in the Syracuse basement, the
dozen staff writers all share the same pair of 24-legged pants during while
they’re writing.
These situations are quite dire. But there is a way that you
can help and it’s quite simple: READ AND
LIKE OUR ARTICLES. We’re serious. The more articles you read and the more
articles you like then the staff of the Penn State basement are allowed to have
feta as well as gouda cheese on a
regular basis and the staff in the Columbia University basement are allowed to have 30
minutes of playtime with the mini-flashlights on every other Saturday.
You are saving our lives and we appreciate you. But please,
pass along our sweet little website to all of your friends because college
funniness applies to everyone. And if you do, then all of us here locked in the
USC basement will stop being tortured by listening to Baha Men’s “Who Let the
Dogs Out” album on repeat. So you understand our desperate plea.
Thank you so much.
We all love you.
REALLY.
