Nothing defines your more than your Halloween costume except
for the costume that girl you’re taking home is wearing. So before you count
yourself among the lucky ones who’re getting laid tonight, take a second look
to see exactly what garment you’ll be taking off your score and question
whether you want to be with someone who willing chose to dress like this”¦


#8. Sexy Banana

Now this dress isn’t that distracting as a costume itself.
It’s short and skimpy, just as sexy costumes are supposed to be. But when you
find out that this is supposed to be a banana, that opens up this situation to
a bunch of attempts of making sexual puns on the word “peel” and none of them
actually work. “I can’t wait to peel that skin off of you”¦ I’m gonna peel you
like you’ve never been peeled before”¦ After I’m done peeling you, then I’m
gonna get to all that mushy bit inside you.” All of these fail. Also keep in
mind that in the entire realm of fruit, this chick decided to dress up as the
most phallic of them all. Think about that.


#7 Sexy Sea Turtle

Some animals can pull off being a sexy costume. A sea turtle is not one of
them. Have they really run out of animals in the animal kingdom to come out with
sexy costumes that they have to resort to trying to make a sea turtle sexually
appealing? Where’s sexy kangaroo? Sexy koala? Sexy Komodo dragon? Sea turtles
themselves take decades to even reach sexual maturity (thanks Wikipedia) and
obviously this girl has yet to reach hers if she thinks this sexy sea turtle
costume was going to get her anything but skeptical looks.


#6 Dark Commander

There’s never a problem with there being strong women.
There’s also never a problem with there being evil women. Actually, most of the
time, the two go hand-in-hand. Now before your nerdy side geeks out at seeing
basically a sexy Darth Vader chick, realize the stance that this girl is
obviously taking. First off, she’s technically dressed as a dude (all sorts of
problems there that we’ll get into later) and secondly, she’s dressed as the
epitome of evil. The symbol for the end of freedom and the joy of suffering. So
before you whip your lightsaber, see if there’s a slave-girl Leia anywhere


#5 Sexy Black Swan

Blame Natalie Portman for this. True that the girl who
dresses up as sexy black swan is dressing up as the smokin’ Miss Portman
herself and basically asking for some sort of lesbian experience before the
night is out, she’s also invoking the rest of the schizophrenic and disturbing
state of mind that carries forth throughout all of “Black Swan.” All I know is
that if I saw someone dressed up like this, I’d run away in the other direction
scared shitless.


#4 “Anne” Costume

Don’t even try to think that just because her name is “Anne”
and not “Annie” that this is just wrong. Little Orphan Annie? Really? She’s a
child. She’s like 6 years old. She’s innocent and pure. All she’s worried about
is her dog Sandy and making sure that she has a good life with Daddy Warbucks.
Not you and your libido. If you tap this then the sun will not come out
tomorrow, for the sun will be hiding in shame because of what you’ve done.


#3 Breast Cancer Awareness Pink Leopard

Every single various degree of wrongness, insensitivity, and
WTF-ness all come together at this costume. There is absolutely nothing sexy
about cancer. Cancer is absolutely not a turn on. Are you doing breast cancer a
favor by wearing that? I don’t think so. I don’t think the millions of people diagnosed
with breast cancer appreciate you going out and flaunting your disease-free
body in hopes of getting some. No. No. I don’t know what to say.


#2 Sexy Hulkamania Costume

Chick. With. A. Moustache. If that’s a turn on for you then
you have so many problems that I don’t know where to start.


#1 Jesus

Number 1 here is for you ladies. Jesus is not sexy. Dressing
up as Jesus might be funny because pictures of Jesus shotgunning or doing a
keg-stand are wonderful to laugh at. But asking for it from Jesus? Wouldn’t
that be intimidating? I mean, he is Jesus and Jesus already knows all things so
if you get turned down by Jesus, wouldn’t it be hard not to assume that it was
because he knows you’re a bad lay? Also consider the kind of guy who first off
dresses up as Jesus and then proceeds to try and get some while dressing up as
Jesus. Does that seem like the kind of guy who’s going to respect you as a
person? I mean, I guess if you’re into religious figures it’s better than going
to bed with Buddha. 

My apologies to, I wish you best in all your endeavors this Halloween season.