After 3 straight days of partying, Jesus Christ, 33, awoke yesterday on April 8 to realize something awful – he had missed Easter.
“I literally remember nothing about the past 3 days,” Jesus said to our crack-investigative team. “And then I woke up yesterday with the worst Dad-damn headache I’ve ever had this side of Moab.”
The Son of God apparently had been seen by many college co-eds over the long weekend at several different parties, hopping from one to another without ever stopping, and doing everything from beer pong to keg stands. “Ch’yeah, I saw Jesus hitting up literally every house on the row from Thursday to Saturday,” said Randy Shirtwith, 22. “He kept saying things like ‘Oh it really is a Good Friday,’ and when we wanted to play King’s Cup, he kept calling it ‘Me Cup.’”
Many churches over all over the world waited with anticipation to hear from their respective ministers that “He is risen!” And yet the words never came. NFL player Tim Tebow was scheduled to do a sermon in a church in Georgetown, TX and yet he had nothing to say. So just Tebowed and he still got a standing ovation. (https://www.philly.com/philly/hp/sports/146610405.html)
We briefly got to speak to Jesus’s father – God – for a moment yesterday. “I’m extremely disappointed in Jesus and he will be sitting in the corner with a loaf of moldy manna in his mouth for the next year or so.”
“I’m not that scared about facing my father,” Jesus went on record saying. “I mean, I do this every year and this time it just didn’t go as according to plan. I just gotta realize where my limit is on turning water into wine. Holla.”
The Easter Bunny was not available for comment.
