John Jacobs used to be a mild-mannered Cornell freshman. He
went to class, avoided trouble with school, and used condoms regularly.
However, one day he had a problem set due and could not find a computer with
MATLAB to use to finish his work. Just when he thought he was out of luck, one
of his friends tweeted “DC++ is the greatest thing ever!” Little did John know,
the moment he discovered and installed DC++, he would no longer be John
anymore. He would instead become foopatroopa.

His girlfriend, Jane, said that he used to be a very
sociable boy. “We would hang out, drink together, and sometimes play what’s
your favorite kama sutra position. But now, all he does is watch tv. I mean, Firefly
got canceled after one goddamn season, why the hell would he want to watch

DC++ has been captivating the hearts and souls of cornell
students since Al Gore created the interwebs. From containing the latest
television shows, music, and movies, to a place where you can find MATLAB,
textbooks, and the Kim Kardashian sextape (topical joke!), DC++ has its obvious
benefits to all involved. However, for all of its users who don’t give content
back, there are a certain few who see it as something much, much more.

One avid DC++-er, who goes by the user name
long_dong_silver, describes the hub as being akin to his own version of Narnia.
“Who would have thought that this little application would open up such a world of excitement
and adventure to me. In real life I’m a socially awkward enginerd, but on the
computer I am a chatroom adept enginerd. I even had a real conversation with a
real girl today. It’s incredible! Plus, there’s midget porn.”

For some users, like bigjughugger, the allure of DC++ is
much more than that. “If you share more than 1 tebibyte of data, then you
become a VIP member, which is a super high honor. Kind of like not being chosen last in dodgeball.”

“What do I get as VIP? Ummmm nothing really, except an
enormous e-peen (e-peen = e-penis, aka ego from being awesome at sharing stuff).
Dude, my e-peen is this big..” Bigjughugger began stroking what appears to be
his roughly 2 foot e-peen. Granted, from the fact that he needed two hands to
encompass it, it appeared to be one hell of a penis – but it still creeped me
the fuck out.

The one girl who uses DC++, im_a_chik_you_dik, said she actually
enjoys the chatting aspect of DC++. “When you think about it, these guys might
only talk to one girl a week. And that’s usually their mother. The fact that I
get 50 responses when I say, “hey, I’m a girl, what’s up?’ feels pretty good.”

*writer’s note: this “girl” is actually an extremely strange

“Honestly, the rush of seeing people queued to download the
latest captain America movie from me in HD is incredible”, analsekhs says. “It’s
almost like they’re saying, “hey, I want your movies because you have awesome
taste in movies, hence you’re awesome, hence you’re attractive and I really
really want to have sex with you. Also, let’s have analsekhs'”.

I declined to mention that this was the biggest stretch of
logic since barney not being just a big, gay, pedophilic dinosaur.