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When we found out we had to write about bad vacations, we were like… yeah! We’ve been on so many! Like we’re definitely the opposite of film school shut-ins to the degree that we could write about any kind of vacation. So here is our list of our definitely-real top 5 worst places to vacay:
1) The Jungle
Boy, have you ever had a vacation where the flight is way better than your actual trip?? It was like nothing I’d ever seen. Well this whole thing happened because I was trying to help this old guy, who could be pretty fun but was pretty emotionally unavailable. We had some in-flight problems and landed smack-dab in the middle of the jungle. I made a couple new friends and I thought me and the old guy were getting along, despite everything, but when push came to shove he let them take my friend Kevin! I left him to rescue Kevin and got in a whole mess of dog-trouble, but that made Carl show he really cared. Definitely heartwarming but it’d be a good idea not to repeat the experience. That many balloons can get pretty expensive.
2) A Cruise
I was engaged to my then fiance and we decided to take a cruise in the Atlantic. My mom came with us, which probably should have been the first sign of trouble. Anyway I was having the normal “maybe it would be easier if I just die” doubts about whether or not we should get married. Then I met another friendly passenger. He and I started hanging out pretty regularly and things were looking up. He was really into drawing and I was really into being naked around him so we decided to combine those skills collaboratively, and that was pretty fun. Somehow we ended up in this really steamy car…this vacation was actually turning out to be pretty awesome until the ship hit this giant piece of ice and started filling up with water. For the next several hours my new boyfriend and I struggled to keep dry as long as we could until the ship sank, and don’t get me started about the lifeboat situation. By the time a boat came back for us, my eyebrows were frozen and my boyfriend was dead. I’d say it was probably my third-worst vacation.
3) Extended Stay Hotel
After my wife passed away, it seemed like everyone agreed that the best thing for me was a change of scenery for awhile. I checked in at this big old place that had a lot of rooms. I really went out of my way to do nice things for my neighbors, and eventually the people that weren’t beating me up came around, starting with one of my neighbors that enjoyed collecting stuff. I even got a job there (it was lousy- I didn’t get paid), but I was allowed to start a little library. Getting books for it was such an uphill battle. Things really went sour when year after year they still wouldn’t let me leave, and also they shot one of my friends. It became clear that I really didn’t kill my wife, management was threatening me endlessly and I finally got the hell out of there through this tunnel I’d dug in the wall behind my Rita Hayworth poster. Awhile later my friend that holds a striking resemblance to Morgan Freeman left as well. I would argue that the worst part of this vacation was probably dealing with all the security.
4) The Country
Dad said we had to get out of the city, you know, to get away from it all, including something terrible he heard on the news. There was a mix-up, because the rail system out here can be really lousy, so I went with Dad’s friend and his girlfriend who I think was Katy Perry. Because of the trains, we had to hitch a ride, and stayed in a couple different gross old houses instead of a hotel or something. Not fun. The most fun part was this hilarious time Dad’s friend tried to talk to a plastic plant! Really lightened the mood after some strangers killed themselves in front of us. OK something else I should mention is everyone around us seemed to be killing themselves? It put a looot of stress on the grown-ups. Vacation headaches, you know?? When I finally got Katy Perry to play with me instead of just avoiding questions about my dad, she and her boyfriend had an emotional breakthrough and we didn’t die, which was nice. Then someone I couldn’t hear yelled “AND M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN’S CAREER HAD ACTUALLY BEEN DEAD THIS WHOLE TIME” and what sounded like a theater full of people laughed. And then cried. Spooky.
Accommodations/Entertainment: Katy Perry and being on the run aren’t nearly as fun as I thought they’d be.
Me and my friends are so crazy! Like I doubt this could happen to anyone else, because we are a magical combination of kooky and handsome and “guys this isn’t a good idea!” and man, who doesn’t like that in exactly the same way in whatever setting gives us the best tax breaks. So we came for a wedding, then got progressively dirtier through our various shenanigans: shooting (aaahhh)! Monkey (cute)! Woman with a penis (hilarious)! Lost a finger (eventually fine)! Not letting that guy Doug into the actual plot – again (of course)! Yelling “I can’t believe this is happening again!!” after EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED (box office gold)!