With the holiday/Oscar season upon us, December brings us a
wide variety of films opening in a theatre near you. But what films will be
worth your time this month and what ones won’t be? Well, most of them won’t be.
Here’s your handy-dandy rundown of what to expect from movies over the next
month:
Dec 2.
“Shame”
One of the first widely distributed NC-17 rated films since
2007’s “Lust, Caution” (by Academy Award winning director Ang Lee, director of
“Hulk”). And by widely I mean this movie is opening on 9 screens across the
country. So guessing that you probably haven’t seen that many NC-17 rated
movies in your day, what should you expect to see walking into this flick?
Easy: PenisPenisPenisPenisPenisPenisPenisPenisPenisPenisPenisPenisPenisPenisPenisPenisPenisPenisPenisPenisPenisPenis
Oh and some more
PenisPenisPenisPenisPenisPenisPenisPenisPenisPenisPenisPenisPenisPenis
Dec 9.
“Tinker Tailor
Soldier Spy”
Do you like British people? Do you like old people? Did you
like “The Departed?” If you answered no to any of those then this movie will
probably end up annoying the shit out of you.
“New Year’s Eve”
What has happened to our society that we can’t sit through a
normal movie with a regular single storyline and just eat our popcorn and be
happy? Instead now we want to see how many movie stars and plots we can cram
into a 90-minute movie. This is going to be the most ADD movie ever. I think of
movies like sex ““ with the plot being the egg and the characters being sperm ““
and while there are many sperm trying to get to the egg, ultimately one will
take precedence. So this movie must be some poor schmuck’s self-pleasure “cause
all it is, is semen with nowhere to go.
“The Sitter”
The dirty version of “Adventures in Babysitting” with Jonah
Hill standing in for Elizabeth Shue. In fact, Jonah Hill was probably standing
in for two Elizabeth Shues from the way he looks in this movie, but he probably
ate the other one.
Dec 16.
“Sherlock Holmes: A
Game of Shadows”
Finally, “The Hangover Part II” will have something to share
its shelf-space with.
“Alvin and the
Chipmunks: Chipwrecked”
Destined to the best film of the year”¦
“¦heh-heh. Yeah right.
KILL ME NOW
Dec 23.
“The Girl with the
Dragon Tattoo”
Everyone in the fucking world seems to be excited about this
movie. But if you want to save your time, just watch any episode of “Law and Order: SVU” that has to deal with
rape/murder and you’ll have basically seen this movie. The only thing you’ll
get from this is that you won’t get from one of those is a couple humps of some
anal rape to the beat of some Nine Inch Nails-esque score. And I don’t know who
really needs to see that.
“Mission Impossible:
Ghost Protocol”
Tom Cruise is back! Again! And no one still cares!
“The Darkest Hour”
This movie is about aliens that you can’t see who want
something of ours that we usually can’t see ““ electricity. Did they know that
they were making a movie, y’know like
a motion picture, and not a friggin’
radio show? We wanna see some aliens destroying everything in sight. I find
this movie depressing already.
“We Bought a Zoo”
And you bought a ticket to this? Really?
Dec 25.
“War Horse”
Spielberg and a war movie about an animal. It’s like someone
put all the Oscar-bait into a blender and hit “frappe’ and this is what we
got.
