Dearest Campus Basement Readers,

I’m not sleeping with them.

Oh no.

I’m just saying, “Dearest’ is a little much.

Hey there Campus Basement fans,

They aren’t idiots. You, however, can’t even punctuate properly.

Hey there, CB Fans,

I regret to inform you —

What are you, a rejection letter?

No, what I am is frustrated, because I want to write this article and be done with it.

Hey, so do I. Thing is, I’m trying to make sure I don’t ruin it first.

Don’t make this harder than it really is! I’m going to do my best!

Who invited me?

It doesn’t matter…

I invited me, and I say I have to get enough sleep!

Sleep is for posers.

No it’s not! I’m just saying that because I’m a perfectionist!

I’m sorry to say

I don’t have to apologize. It’s hard to put these things out on time.


For me, maybe.

Unfortunately, I’ve been really busy this week

Not that busy.

Very busy!

Not so much that I couldn’t get through an article.

I said, I’ve been very busy this week and I haven’t had time to

That’s crap.

Seriously? When did I have time?

You didn’t, I’m just an asshole. Ignore me.

I haven’t had time

I could have spent half the time on that film.

Could I please calm down and finish this?

As long as I finish in time to write that paper.

I forgot about that…

OK, I have to stop worrying right now, or I’m not going to get any work done!

But it’s due in three days…

I should take a break first, and go visit my girlfriend.

Then it will never get done.

I haven’t had the sanity to complete a Campus Basement article to the quality you’re used to in my work.

They’re used to quality?

How dare I say that to myself!

I’ve had so much work that I’m fairly convinced

Me and my adverbs…

Do I know what? I should shut up.

Now, now, there’s no reason to talk to myself like that.

I’ve had so much work that I’ve developed a few extra personalities to deal with the overload.

Should I really say that in print?

Shh. It’s cathartic.

With any luck, one of them will learn to write Campus Basement articles while the other one sleeps.

Like in Fight Club?


Please come back for future funny articles.

I think they should!

Sure. If you enjoy laughing at an amateur.

“Til then, I wish you the best!

And I do too!

…I guess I do too.

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