You’ve heard their name all around campus ““ The Trojan
Knights. Like magic men hiding in the shadows waiting to be discovered so they
can hurriedly dive back into their lair beneath Tommy Trojan, but their work has
already been done. As you turn around you can tell that things are better
because they were here and you feel like you can shuffle off to your dorm room
knowing that your life is in good hands”¦

Right? I mean, you would know better than me. Actually, I
thought anyone would know better than me. But when I asked around if anyone
knew what the Trojan Knights actually do
and no one had any idea.

What? No one knows anything about them? C’mon, they Tweet so
someone should know some info about them. Nope. So I went to the Trojan Knights
website and to their “Who We Are” tab expecting a clear overview of what it
means to be a Trojan Knight. Instead, what I got was the following information:

Trojan Knights are known as either the Official
Hosts of the University or the Guardians of Tradition at USC.

Tommy Trojan is “officially” known as the Trojan

Well, I know that stopped me from worrying. I’m really glad
to know that someone is in charge of making sure the So-Cal Spell Out is safe and
sound and that I know where to go to sacrifice my virgins now on campus.

But that’s all the information I got. So I started to think,
what things around campus could these great guardians have done without anyone
knowing it was them?

-Built the New Cinema

Obviously, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg aren’t smart
enough to be able to produce something so cool since the last project that they
worked on together was “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.” So
there’s no way that the state-of-the-art, everyone-over-at-UCLA-and-Chapman-are-jealous-of-it building of awesome could have come out from those two
numbskulls, so that leaves”¦ The Trojan Knights. Caring for their most prominent
student body is in their nature because of their self-proclaimed “sick school

-Made Matt Barkley

Not the promise of a Heisman, nor one more year of crazy
college partying, but the Trojan Knights must be responsible for making Matt
Barkley stay for his senior year at USC. The Trojan Knights promised him
24-hour protection from 4 undergraduates that are incredibly smaller than him
for another season of football. As well as doing all his homework, laundry, and
eating all his vegetables.

-Took Care of Those
People “Doing It” On Top of WPH

This was nothing more than a mistake in communication when
WPH was left unattended for a mere 17 seconds as one Trojan Knight finished his
shift and another started his. But the results were disastrous. After
witnessing the horror of the situation that they themselves were to blame, the
Trojan Knights figured out the best tactic to handle this ““ accept that it
was awesome. Instead of throwing down the gauntlet of inappropriateness amongst
all the student body, the Trojan Knights instead spread the legitimacy of the
awesomeness of the occurrence and instead of it being a blemish on their and
the school’s reputation, the Knights made it so that, in the end (no pun intended), everyone looked

So Trojan Knights, I salute you and all that you do. Thank
you for everything that you guard and whatever else it is that y’all do because
I honestly have no clue.

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