By: leaf and Lia
So Leaf and I were sitting
around lamenting our lack of social lives and decided, “hey, you know what the
world needs? More milkshakes.” Once the Froyo and cupcake bubble pops, there
will be a resurgence in the tried and true beverage that has gone ignored.
Unlike most other
visionaries, we don’t half ass things, which is why we decided to capitalize on
somebody else’s attention: all of our premiere flavors will be inspired by the
ten fabulous Academy Awards Best Picture nominees. Yum.
If you don’t find them
delicious, you’re fair game for being publicly berated for your inability to
appreciate art. Because that’s what this is. Milkshake art.
And the nominees are”¦.
The Black Swan
Sweet cream blended with dark
chocolate ice cream, plus a hit of ecstasy and one raw egg. If it doesn’t
taste perfect, have a psychological breakdown. If it does,
well… You had your moment.
True Grit
A base of talented young
vanilla blended with shoe leather chunks, ground up graham cracker and
chocolate. The bottom is actually dirt and gun powder, which makes for a nice
WTF ending.
Toy Story 3
Get nostalgic with the
taste of finger paint, chunks of toys you put in that box in the attic a
long-ass time ago (you heartless monster), and the tears of grown men. There
are a lot of hilarious elements that kids won’t necessarily catch, but you
will. Playing with your food is encouraged.
The Kids are All Right
More conservative
connoisseurs may tell you if you blend a scoop of strawberry with another scoop
of the same, you won’t make a family. Not only is it complete on its own,
you’ll find you don’t even want the sexy, sexy mint chips offered to shake
things up.
Winter’s Bone
Peppermint, white
chocolate and some cold-weather ingredients you probably haven’t really heard
of. Just reach down in this murky combination and you’ll find what you’re
looking for, but we really don’t want to talk about it.
The Fighter
This fiery Irish whiskey
shake is doomed to be less delicious than its milkshake relatives, but shots of
jealousy and failure guarantee to warm you up good.
127 Hours
Crushed arms, and by arms we mean almonds. Just crush ’em up real thorough, and spend an agonizing amount
of time doing it. Then leave them behind, because this is about survival now.
The King’s Speech
English Toffee adds a nice
accent to this really classy choice. Extra ice makes your teeth
ch-ch-chatter, but brings out the sweetness in the faded aristocracy taste
(which is mostly tones of fog, musty carpet, and jewels). This might taste a lot
like The Harry Potter, but you’re wrong.
Inception
Mind-bending
caramel/chocolate combo guaranteed to knock you out. Blended with a shot of
salt water and extra BAUUUUUNNNNGHHHH. Character development optional. You will
be arguing with your friends for weeks about whether or not you really even
drank this. Watch out for killer bits of Oreo. They’re in there, and they’re
upset you don’t spend more time with them. Only size available: small within a
medium within a large.
The Social Network
The amount of alcohol
is intended to make it really easy to meet people. Awkward vanilla is alienated from more
charismatic caramel at first, but a douchebaggy raspberry syrup helps it take
over the cup by the end. A pair of unexpectedly attractive power bars also
make an appearance. Overall this probably tastes better than the real story,
especially with the open-ended aftertaste.
Keep in mind, it’s an honor just to be nominated… and immortalized in one of our soon-to-be famous milkshake recipes.
You’re welcome.
