UCLA’s 38-28 victory over USC this Saturday marked the first time in six years that the Bruins have beaten the Trojans. During the game everyone was quick to point out USC head coach, Lane Kiffin, as the faulty party for USC’s poor performance. But the actual culprit is all the more sinister…


The. Rain.



It’s no secret that Californians are truly terrible at anything when it rains. Driving, walking, eating, breathing, playing football, everything. “When wet stuff falls from the sky, it just confuses me that it’s not sunshine,” said a born-and-bread Californian who wished to remain anonymous (because he’s really stupid).


“Huh, looks like California’s gonna have a really green day today! Or maybe that means we’ll be covered in lettuce…?”


And the USC Trojans really were not ready for any precipitation to interfere with their game. Quarterback Matt Barkley even decided to leave the game because he couldn’t deal with the rain. “Y’know, I just, like, fell to the ground because I couldn’t deal with all this moist drop thingys getting on my face. And then I just couldn’t do it anymore and I got out of there so I could find a poncho or something,” said Barkley, making him sound like the Wicked Witch of the West.




The rest of the USC team slipped and stumbled across the field, unable to maintain composure with the rain coming down on them, making it easy for UCLA, another set of Californians, to be able to find a path to victory. When UCLA Quarterback, Brett Hundley, was asked about their ability to overcome the weather situation despite residing in California he answered, “Oh us Bruins are used to having our faces wet ’cause of all the time we spend crying that we’re not USC Trojans.”


“I just want to be able to eat at E.V.K.”



Also, this:

“Just get on the 405. Exit Wilshire. And make a left at “Go Die You Stupid Bruin” Ave.”