Court upholds USC’s
trademark of interlocking SC logo, South Carolina’s trademark rejected : 
The judge defends his decision ““ “you try saying “Gamecock’ with a straight face.”

Chik Fil A opens near
campus : 
Spicy chicken deluxe experience declared necessary,
religious. Unfortunately, I continue to be incapable of walking past

NCAA violations,
sanctions, ban : 
Too soon.

July robbery”¦ On the
second floor of Doheny. Suspects quickly apprehended : 
Suspects not familiar with concept of escape plans, stairs

Gateway housing
complex opened : 
Yogurtland experience inarguably necessary, religious. Subway a welcome addition to our several other near-campus Subways

Gateway experiences
difficulty filling rooms : 
Prospective residents turned off by price, pitiful singular Subway

New student center opened : Many disappointed by lack of physical resemblance to an
onion. Or any vegetable, really.

Speaking of which, no
announced plans for The Lot : 
Probably a Subway

New anti-theft
computer locks available at Leavey : 
Unfortunately, all have gone missing.

ZBT and Pike trade
houses : 
“It just looks so much better on you! Keep it, keep it,”
Pike gushes.

Several freshmen
suffer alcohol poisoning at post-rush parties; IFC social ban : 
“Tally on your hand
in ballpoint pen” technology unavailable in some parts of the world

Record heat ““ Sept.
27: 113 Fahrenheit : 
“¦Or was it just you? Wiiink

Protest planned in
response to campus bike bans : 
If anything gets students worked up, it’s taking away their
right to ignore traffic and safety regulations en masse between 10 and 2 on
weekdays. Oh, the humanity.

President Max Nikias
sworn in : 
Nikias enjoyed the ecstasy of the “most exciting president
on campus” title for ““ well, about six days, until:

Obama rallies on
campus for Democratic congressional candidates : 
37,500 show up, 500 enjoy being close enough to see him.

Four Loko introduced,
quickly declared dangerous : 
The most depressed among us will continue to enjoy a homemade
Colt 45/espresso/Jolly Rancher blend on weekends, as we always have

Cali votes NO on Prop
19, which would have legalized recreational marijuana : 
“Oh shiiiiiit, voting was yesterday?” say supporters.

Bill Nye faints twice
onstage in Bovard, continues, no one moves to assist : 
“We’re teaching him to self-soothe,” an official said on
site. “Maybe next time he’ll learn fainting won’t get him what he wants.”

Third Eye Blind comes
to USC : 
In related news, Third Eye Blind still exists 

Assistance/genius courtesy of Lia Woodward