After months of speculation and hotly contested rumors, the Dalai Lama
made a very public commitment to USC for the 2011 football season.

Last Tuesday, USC students, professors and fans alike gathered to
witness the special announcement at an event held at the Galen

In spite of the Dalai Lama’s wishes for an element of surprise, many
students managed to figure it out on their own. As junior and male cheerleader
Steve Turner excitedly explained, “as soon as he came out wearing cardinal and gold, I
knew. I just knew.”

When asked about his choice to come to USC, the Dalai Lama thought
carefully before responding, “it’s small enough where I won’t just feel like a
number, but big enough where I’ll meet plenty of fascinating people.” He then
chuckled before adding, “and it’s far away from my parents’ house.”

His English translator expressed adamant support. “His
search was a long one, and he bounced back and forth between several schools, but
you could tell USC was a perfect fit for him.” He looked away wistfully before
adding, “they’re lucky to have him. He didn’t need me for this. His leadership,
resume and athletic prowess speak for themselves.”

USC Trojans Football Coach Lane Kiffin seemed confident about the
upcoming season with the Dalai Lama joining the team. “We’ve been dealing with
a lot of obstacles, but things are looking up,” Kiffen said. “This is really a
game changer. Hah, see what I did there?”

When asked about potential problems that might arise due to the Dalai
Lama’s inspirationally peaceful nature, Kiffin had this to say. “Oh, we’ve
thought about it but don’t worry; no one will be touching him. Just TRY to
imagine anyone taking the ball away from the Dalai Lama. You can’t, because he’s
just too dang fast.”

Students have been in a state of celebration following the announcement.
Steve Turner offered his two cents to a crowd of screaming girls and the boys
hoping to seduce them via practiced masculine shouting.

“They’ve been saying USC needed a miracle,” shouted Steve as he pumped a
victorious fist in the air, “and by god here he is!”

Note: Those of us
at USC Campus Basement that went really enjoyed seeing the Dalai Lama in person
and found him to be a wonderful speaker with an inspiring message and sense of humor.