PALO ALTO, CALIFORNIA “” Researchers at Stanford University have
discovered that the rise of bluetooth technology has increased the
percentage of people who look batshit crazy.
Once reserved for the ranks of the unstable street urchins and
roaming sociopaths, now even well to-do businessmen and corporate
executives yell expletives and wave their hands to seemingly no one
while walking the sidewalks.
“It wasn’t until I got close and saw the earbuds in his ears that I
realized he was just talking on bluetooth, and not, actually, batshit
crazy,” Leanne Peterson, a homemaker, recalls in a street interview.
“It just makes me feel uneasy. At least I’m more prepared now in case someone actually is batshit crazy.”
Stanford researchers have reported that the percentage of people who look batshit crazy has increased by as much as 65%.
A large number of office workers who refuse to use their fucking
hands for simple tasks like holding a phone have contributed to the
problem. Bluetooth is considered to be not only convenient for those
certain proportions of the population that shun the God-given capability
of all primates to employ prehensile gripping hands, but also trendy.
The rate of batshit craziness is only on the rise as workers seek to
find new and innovative ways of using their freed hands, such as
gesturing to no one and smoothing windswept hair.
“The numbers are staggering,” researcher Chris Phillips, M.A,
reports. “We haven’t seen this many people looking batshit crazy since
the 60s.”
Many who claim to be legitimately batshit crazy are offended by the recent spike.
Otis Parker, a ragamuffin interviewed from his dumpster home, has
mixed feelings about bluetooth technology: “I’ll take the tooth, mister,
but not if it’s blue.”
He said further: “The boat is the best form of transportation. Have you seen the mailman yet today?”
Bluetooth users were unavailable for comment on the situation, most of their phone lines being busy, anyhow.
