When student Alex Jarvis first noticed her special ability
to communicate with the squirrels at USC, she thought that by using their vast
network of knowledge of goings on about campus, she would be able to help those
in need. Instead, the little bastards constantly ask her for food or whatever
she has in her hand.

“It all started freshman year,” remembered Jarvis. “I was
walking to class when a very bold one approached me and well”¦ introduced
himself as the King of the Squirrels. I was absolutely amazed! Then he came
forward and asked me if I had any crackers in my bag. I thought, sure why not?
It’s a talking squirrel, after all!”

But word gets around fast in the squirrel community. After
giving food to that first squirrel, Jarvis is now hounded by dozens of the little
“pieces of shit” everywhere she goes, all asking her for handouts. Fellow
students are in awe of her miraculous talent, but to Jarvis, it’s not a gift at
all, just a curse.

“All I want to do is use my powers for good, but they just
beg all the time,” said Jarvis. “They look so cute and fuzzy, but don’t let
that fool you. They are just selfish, manipulative little animals.”

Based on what she’s seen of other human-animal speaking
relationships, Jarvis reportedly anticipated that they would at least give her
something in return, such as alerting her about students who fell into
fountains or got caught under fallen tree branches, so she could go help. Turns
out she was wrong.

“Just the other day, someone spilled their Jamba Juice on
the ground. Some dude on a skateboard didn’t see it and totally wiped out,”
said Jarvis. “There was a squirrel who saw the whole thing, but you know what
he asked me? “Hey, are you going to finish that banana?’ What a little asshole.”

In addition to being able to communicate with the creatures,
Jarvis has occasionally been contacted from beyond the grave”¦ by dead

“They’re even worse. With them it’s not about food, but
they’re always asking me to solve their murders or avenge their deaths or
whatever. It’s like, seriously?! I can see exactly where your dumbass got
road-killed by a truck. Case closed.”

Jarvis has attempted to talk to other animals to see if she
can really save lives somehow, or at least prevent misfortune. So far, however,
she has been unsuccessful. At press time, she was chasing after an elusive
squirrel who had gotten his grubby paws on one of her earrings, threatening to
keep it until given a bite of granola bar.