Local college freshmen in Avery Hall were shocked to learn that Timothy O’Neill, the overweight Call of Duty enthusiast on the fourth floor’s internet girlfriend was real. Allegedly, she flew in from Juneau, Alaska last Friday for a weekend visit.
“Nobody believed me when I told them about her;” remembers O’Neill. “they all thought I was just making up some girl, but why would I do that? I can get chicks, too. I have a good personality; or at least my mom thinks so.” defended O’Neill.
Residents of Avery Hall closely watched O’Neill’s weekend visitor for flaws and/or signs of mental insanity.
“We really went all out to find something wrong with her. Something, anything that would shed some light on why she would be sleeping with O’Neill. The guys like Mark Zuckerberg if he gained 100 pounds and lost 100 IQ points.” said an anonymous resident. “She didn’t even have a tail. That was one of the things we checked for… What? He plays a lot of video games, I don’t know. It seemed plausible at the time.”
O’Neill’s internet girlfriend has been described by residents as “adequate,” “not completely awful,” and a particularly encouraging “she could really be pretty if she brushed her hair or something.”
Come Sunday, the residents of Avery Hall were only able to find one actual fault in O’Neill’s girlfriend.
“We looked and looked and finally we realized it: she’s sleeping with O’Neill! I mean, that right there is a big enough flaw to make like Natalie Portman unattractive. I can’t believe we didn’t see it before now. It was right in front of our eyes! Well, kind of. I suppose it was more so ‘right in front of our ears.’ ALL weekend. ALL night. These walls are too thin…” trailed the anonymous resident.
