From November through March, there is no better place to be
a sports fan than Syracuse University. For those long, cold winter months every year the entire student body unites behind one of the nation’s best college basketball programs, as if to use the body heat emanating from Scoop Jardine’s perfectly round head to warm our collective hands in subzero temperatures.

However, when baseball season rolls around in April, the once-united group of devoted Orange fans devolves into a warzone of rival douchebags vying for Major League Baseball supremacy. 

As much as I love you guys when you’re packing the Carrier Dome, now that the basketball season’s over, I fucking hate you assholes.

Sadly for me (well really, for everyone) SU is predominately home to five of the most annoying fan bases in all of baseball, most of whom root for teams that are better than my favorite, the Baltimore Orioles.  After 13 straight losing seasons for the O’s, I’ve given up hope that their play on the field will shut you punks up for a season, so I’ve taken it upon myself to point out (in no particular order) why each and every one of you are terrible people.

1.       Yankees fans

I love how every time someone tells a Yankee fan how overpaid Derek Jeter is, they react like a parent would if you said their kid is ugly. First they look at you shocked, as if waiting for you to admit what you said was a joke.  Then they brag to you about their kid’s high IQ and “great locker room presence.” Then they try to convince you that you’re jealous. Look, Mom and Dad, your kid’s had a hall of fame career, but right now he’s a terrible defensive shortstop and an average hitter making $15 million more per season with the Yankees than any other MLB team would give him. I’m not jealous. I’ll take J.J. Hardy for $5 million any day of the week over geriatric Jeter at his current price.  So stop looking at me like that.

2.       Red Sox fans

Somehow Boston fans manage to have both incredible arrogance and an enormous inferiority complex, which is the sports fan equivalent to having two penises AND a gaping vagina. Mention any baseball player to them who’s not on the Yankees or Redsox, and they’ll dismiss the name as if he’s a toddler at Thanksgiving trying to sit at the adults’ table. However, if you tell them any Yankee is better than his Redsox counterpart, they’ll scream bloody murder at you about how wrong you are, while simultaneously revealing that  1) deep down they agree with you and 2) they actually know more about the Yankees than their own favorite team. Every Boston sports fan has an unhealthy obsession with New York, to the point that they don’t even notice how everyone else thinks they’re exactly alike. Someday this will be the premise for an adorable romantic comedy.

3.       Mets Fans

Truth be told, I feel sorry for these poor bastards. But I still can’t stand them.  Mets fans share a city with the Yankees, the most successful team in baseball history, and they share a division with the Phillies, baseball’s best franchise right now. Rooting for New York’s other team right now is like being a homeless guy with a successful twin brother and a millionaire ex-wife.

4.       Phillies Fans

There’s nothing to hate about Phillies fans. They’re just so damn happy all the time. They smile all day about how great their franchise is, they never obsess over any hated rivals, and their star shortstop knows what it takes to perform. And that’s why I hate you bastards.

5.       Nats Fans

The Washington Nationals have the most pathetic fan base in all of baseball. Any true baseball fan in their market between the ages of 10 and 50 roots for the Orioles, which means Nats fans are just former O’s fans who drank the kool-aid when the Expos moved to DC from Montreal because they figured anyone would be better than Baltimore’s team.  That’s why I went to the last O’s-Nats game with a sign that said “go back to Canada.” The Nats and their fans are a waste of time, space and money that could be spent on something more useful, like this. Besides, they’ll all be Orioles fans again come October when we win the World Series.