It was announced by University officials on Friday that Syracuse would be adding four new majors and a minor to their curriculum. The new majors are “Greekonomics, Waiting For the Bus to South, Talking to Old People and one major simply called “Snow.” The minor is a concentration within the Talking to Old People major that focuses on learning about their grandchildren.

Greekonomics focuses mainly on the day to day operations of fraternities. Core courses in this major include, but are not limited to: GRK 142: Day Drinking, GRK 192: Watching Entourage, and GRK 254: Making Event T-Shirts. Upon graduation, those who receive a bachelor of science in Greekonomics will be qualified to work the door at a frat party. The projected starting salary for this major is approximately 2,000 dollars a year, a pack of cigarettes and “chiiicks, dude.”

Waiting For the Bus to South has been met with a surprisingly high volume of interested prospective majors. “I didn’t realize that i had been racking up core requirements just by waiting to go home all this time.” says Syracuse Junior, and veteran South Campusite, Jason Yates. “I got stuck in a snowstorm last year and had to wait way longer than normal, so I’m actually a second semester Junior right now. There are some hard aspects of the major. I almost failed the “Not Making Eye Contact” test Sophomore year because I forgot my iPod, but normally I’m pretty good at what I do. I’m supposed to have an internship at the NYC Subway this Summer so I’m crossing my fingers for that to happen.”

The newest major, “Snow,” is designed to be a dual major that
complements literally any other program Syracuse offers. All students
who’ve been here for at least one Winter have the requirements, and
freshmen will have them “soon enough.” according to the chair of the
department, Nathan Greene. The program is still under development, but
professors are currently implementing a final project that involves
driving a 2 door sedan with no brakes down University Ave. on the iciest
day of the year.

Talking to Old People has been a controversial major thus far, but
officials feel that there is a definitive need for the program, and
where there is a need, there is a demand. The demand has been so high,
in fact, that the program is now invitation only. “We’ve made it
invitation only, but not in the way you would think.” explained program
chair, and veteran senior citizen, Larry Mullen. “When a student does
something that is just completely out of the realm of acceptable in
front of an elderly person, they get referred to the major. It’s not a
punishment, though, it’s just here to fulfill a real need. Some students
will just benefit way more from this major than they would their
previous one in Liberal Arts or Sociology.” Acceptable reasons to be
referred to the major include: calling a professor “shawty,” letting
your Ke$ha ringtone go off more than one time in any course–regardless
of professor’s age, and owning anything from Urban Dictionary’s online

“We’d rather them be in a virtually skill-less program of study than have them lose their first job because they brought it in for a hug when their potential employer went to shake their hand.” Mr. Mullen explained. “The minor is more focused on interpersonal relationships with the elderly than the major is. To complete the minor, a student is paired up with a local nursing home resident in a “buddy system” type program. Feedback from both students and their “big buddies” has been wildly positive so far. “

“Now I get a 20 dollar bill on my birthday from two grandparents!” exclaimed Junior, Alex Pulani.

“Now I have two grandchildren who never call!” exclaimed Alex’s senior citizen, Eddie Flats.