Do Go to a House Party:
Frat parties are fine for Halloween if you enjoy being inadvertently sodomized
by Charlie Brown or a Muppet (and who doesn’t?!) For those who don’t want to
experience Charlie Brown’s “good grief,” house parties are the way to go.
(Note: bars are a good option as well, but they can also result in a close
encounter with Kermit’s “the frog.”)
Don’t Dress Like an Idiot: Vague, yes. But it’s also simple to understand. If you’re white, don’t
paint your face black. If you’re black, don’t paint your face white. And if
you’re green, check into a hospital. The only exemption from all of these rules
would be a Michael Jackson costume. (Too soon?)
Do Take Candy from Strangers: Unless the person giving you candy is also simultaneously touching you
inappropriately, odds are he/she is simply partaking in the Halloween
festivities and not out to touch your naughties. Then again, maybe a Charleston
Chew is your fee for a little “Almond Joy.” Whatever carves your jack-o-lantern.
Don’t Go Costume-less:
While many people believe Halloween to be the mother of all stupid holidays, it
is a holiday nonetheless. Don’t be the dick in the corner dressed in
plainclothes. Because if you are that person, then you actually
did dress up. As a douchebag.
Don’t Cave to Terrorism: Terrorism? On Halloween? Oh, yes, my friends. “Trick or treat?”
Essentially the person saying this is saying, “Give me want I want or suffer
the consequences.” We don’t cater to terrorists. Call the president up and tell
him you saw something and you’re saying something. Or just give the person the
fucking candy.
