Monday following spring break, MU student Brad O’Neal filed a restraining order in the local district court against classmate Katie Gladhill on the grounds that she was “being a total psycho bitch”.
According to Mr. O’Neal, the two had ended their romantic relationship earlier in the semester and as spring break was approaching the texts started flooding in. The next week when both parties were on spring break Ms. Gladhill sent the text in question below. This has been the 6th reported incident of ‘multi-texting’ and this case will go under as a class action suit to make this a criminal action with charges similar to stalking or identity theft. The case is titled Gladhill v. Men. Ms. Gladhill claims that she was “just trying to catch up” but the male community argues that if those were her intentions, that a single text will always suffice. **WARNING CONTAINS GRAPHIC MATERIAL**
The texts read as follows:
“Hey what’s going on? Just wanted to say that I have your sweater still 🙁 . If you want it back just let me know so I can get it back to u. ” (Sent February 13, 2013 1:03a.m.)
“WaT’s up?”(Sent February 15, 2013 3:40p.m.)
“How did u do on the test. Math<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 🙁 ” (Sent March 2, 2013 5:45 p.m.)
“WaT r u doin 4 Spring Break???? lol” (Sent March 9, 2013 3:20p.m.)
Terrified for his life and his independence, O’Neal went to the courts and filed for a restraining order against Ms. Gladhill. When he heard word about the case, Johnny Cochran volunteered to lawyer on the side of Mr.O’Neal for “The good of all mankind”.
Mr. Cochran firmly believes in this issue as a matter of social justice and human liberty. “It’s an invasion of privacy, and goes against the constitutional principles of a man’s right to life, love, and the pursuit of happiness. Didn’t you see that Will Smith movie? What would have happened in that if his x-wife was constantly badgering him like this the whole time? He wouldn’t have been able to solve the Rubik’s Cube in the car I know that much.”
For his reasoning, Cochran referenced the Text Messaging Advisory System as show below. The Advisory system was put into place in 2003, the same time Washington converted all of their protocols to color coated systems that double as a decorative fridge magnet. The trial was shaping up to be a fight to the death as word of the trial spread and it was a high point of contention among the university.
The honorable Judge Samson overlooked the case. Throughout his history in the district court the judge has leaned a little to the left in certain feminist cases making the other judges throw his bro status into question. Upon reviewing the case, the judge simply commented, “That shit cray…”, and granted him the restraining order. The case lasted a total of 5 minutes.
When the case ended both sides were reached for commentary. O’Neal said was excited he wouldn’t be tied down for break saying “Its PCB”. Ms. Gladhill seemed vaguely optimistic about the situation saying “I mean I just hope we could be friends you know? Like, I get that he doesn’t want to date me, but he really means a lot to me and (etc.)”.