MU’s newest club sport, Jersey Chasing, is now recruiting new members.
Carefully checking her makeup using the selfie-mode of her iPhone 4s, Mary hides behind a trash can, lying in wait for the moment when Freshmen tight end Jack (whose name has been changed for his own personal safety) leaves his room, at which point she will pop up and accidentally bump into him, thus striking up a conversation.
The action is Mary’s latest strategic move in the game of Jersey Chasing. Jersey Chasing is MU’s latest club sport, the all-female activity of social climbing for the purpose of an advantageous marriage or match up to a professional or college athlete.
In order to win, a jersey chaser must elevate her social status by publicly associating with and/or marrying and/or mating with a man of athletic excellence. The prize is more than just the athlete himself, but the fame, endorsements, and reality tv show that accompany the athlete’s rise to athletic superstardom.
“Jersey Chasing combines the finest mental aspects of golf, chess, and foreign diplomacy with the physical stamina of exotic dancing, Zumba, and of course, flirtation,” former Miss USA and professional Jersey Chaser Sandra Wilson said.
The game requires physical appeal, a competitive mindset, and exceptionally low self-esteem.
“I chose to live in South because I knew this was where the athletes lived,” South Hall resident Annie Hawkins said. “It’s the farthest dorm from basically everything on campus, but it’s the closest to my future.” Annie is a Jersey Chaser specializing in football.
Of South Hall’s nearly four hundred residents, roughly one-third are athletes. Each of them signed to play at MU for various reasons, whether for the scholarships, proximity to home, or much-talked about school spirit. Few had any idea that the realities of being a D-1 athlete would also mean avoiding avid female fans for their personal wellbeing.
“At night, I stuff the crack of my door with practice jerseys to block out the noise from the girls. I’ve even had to start wearing noise-canceling headphones to bed, just so I can sleep,” said a Freshmen football player who wishes to remain completely anonymous. “I hear them scratching at my door, whining my name. I even hear it in my nightmares now. It’s the worst on game nights- basic bitches will be bangin’ on my door until four or five in the morning, calling out my name. It was cool at first, but now, now I just want some sleep.”
Psychologists and professional athletes alike are blaming the media’s newfound interest in the wives and girlfriends of professional athletes for Jersey Chasing’s sudden spike in popularity.
“When I go out, I wear my tallest heels and tightest jeans, because that’s what all the girls do on ‘Basketball Wives,’” Junior Kendra Mattes said, referring to the MTV reality show centered upon the lives of NBA wives. “When they [basketball players] see me, I want them to see a wife. But like, a super hot one. A Kendra, not a Khloe.”
A recent study performed by the MU Department of Psychology has discovered a direct correlation between women
who prefer athletes for mates and low cumulative GPAs.
“I found out that Daniel (a sophomore point-guard whose name has also been changed for privacy reasons) HATED girls who didn’t know anything about basketball, so last year I spent the week leading up to my midterms learning EVERYTHING about basketball,” Sophomore Callie Andrews said. “I flunked Sports Psychology and Nutrition, but it was def. worth it.”
Andrews and Daniel have been an item now for just over 9 months. Andrews’ GPA has never been lower.
“A lot of people think that Jersey Chasing is just a sport, but it’s not,” MU psychologist Dr. Amanda Forbes said. “It’s a lifestyle choice, and a form of stalking. Jersey Chasers are dangerous. They are conniving and unafraid of going to extremes in order win the game, to do what they see as necessary to their survival- settling down with an athlete.”
For more information on Jersey Chasing and how to get involved in the club, contact the MU Office of Intramural Sports, located in the Student Center.
