In a recent poll conducted by the MU Greek System, Alpha Sigma Sigma, Mizzou’s formerly lowest-ranked fraternity by female students, has recently been rated “Top House on Campus.” Though experts are citing a number of reasons for the rankings upset, female students asked about their sudden change in heart towards the fraternity, nearly all mentioned the fraternity’s recent construction of a coat room.
“The guys are still fugly and the house consistently smells like stale urine and what’s 
possibly rotting flesh, but at least I can bring a coat. Do you know how awful it is to walk across campus in the dead of winter while also wearing basically no clothes? Before Alph-Sig built their coat check, I used to pound back shots before leaving my dorm, in order make it it to a frat without freezing. Since winter started, I’d gained like 20 pounds in pure alcohol. But now, thanks to Alpha Sigma Sigma, I can wait to finish half a handle on my own until I actually get to the party.” Freshmen partygoer Ally Smithwell said.
The brothers of Alpha Sigma Sigma, in an effort to boost their house’s reputation on campus, proposed the idea to construct a coat room at a recent house meeting.
“We knew we sucked,” Alpha Sigma Sigma brother and Sophomore Austin Ryes said. “The only time people ever came to our door was to ask where other frats were. Not even ugly girls came to our parties. On weekends we would all just play video games or sit near windows. One Thursday night, like every other Thursday night, I was watching people from my window and I saw some girl hugging herself as her legs literally iced over while gale force winds attempted to push her back into whatever cave she crawled out of. That’s when it hit me: a coat room. Bitches would FLOCK to Alpha Sigma Sigma if they were able to dress for the elements while still getting shit-faced. We began construction the next day.”
The spring pledge class of Alpha Sigma Sigma constructed the room. The project took the twenty young men seven straight days to complete, and only four arms, three legs, and 23 toes were broken along the way. A total of 91 stitches were also required by various members of the group throughout the project. No word has been released regarding the mental health of the pledge brothers.
“I don’t really remember most of it; to be honest, last week was kind of a blur. A dark, painful blur. We were allowed to sleep three hours a night, and we got two, twenty minute breaks for breakfast and dinner, and one bathroom break in between. Other than that, we were working. Most of us had never used power tools before, so that was kind of cool, in a really terrifying way. I still can’t feel the lower half of my body after my buddy Scott dropped some boards on my head. It was all worth it, though. We’ve finally made it.”
The room made its debut last Thursday night, at an “Eskimo Hoes and Sled Dog Bros” themed event, in honor of Snowpocalypse 2013. To encourage women to attend, brothers of Alpha Sigma Sigma stood on street corners passing out spiked hot chocolate, space blankets, and condoms with their fraternity’s information emblazoned upon the foil.
“The party was the first one we’d ever held that girls actually attended, so that was epic. Once the guys learned how to talk to females, with the help of some Jaeger bombs, the event really got going. An Alpha Sigma Sigma party made Mizzou Makeouts for the first time ever AND one of our members was even in the picture.” Junior and Alpha Sigma Sigma member Steve Saphron said.
Since the coat room’s debut, many have observed that the streets of Greek town have grown noticeably barren of drunken women on any given night. Large groups of women in coats have been spotted, however, tottering hurriedly towards Alpha Sigma Sigma, a house once commonly mistaken by many MU students to be a meth lab.
