Columbia, Missouri- Scandal and college sports, it would seem, go hand in hand. During a routine pre-season blood test, the blood work of five members of the MU men’s basketball team came back clear of all substances. As if this fact wasn’t shocking enough on its own, it was uncovered that the five, all freshmen recruits, were not simply athletic young men with startling talent, but they were in fact the offspring of Monstars, an extraterrestrial species popularized in the mid-90s cartoon movie “Space Jam.” The players have been temporarily suspended from play while the MU Athletic Department and NCAA agree upon a solution to the unusual dilemma.
Test results discovered that five freshmen recruits are actually Monstars.
NCAA Vice President Mike Marks issued a public statement regarding the episode earlier today.
“I’ve seen a lot of athletes fail a lot of tests in my day. And not just academic ones. People oftentimes forget that the college athletes they see on TV, while extremely talented, are still just kids. College kids will be college kids. It’s no more unusual to see an athlete fail a substance abuse test than it is to see a fraternity brother fail a sobriety test. That being said, I’ve never seen a player fail a blood test, though, because, well first of all, before this, I didn’t know it was possible to fail a blood test, and second, we’ve never had an athlete who wasn’t human. No one is quite sure how to handle this.”
Following the incident, the university released the player performance statistics of each of the young men in question, causing many to wonder why the athletic department did not suspect substance abuse or require drug screenings during the pre-season. The five Monstars all had vertical leaps between 97” and 212”.
“The average vertical leap of an NBA player is approximately 28”. Those boys are mutants.” Said Dr. Robert Johnson, head physician for MU Athletics.
Officials within the MU Athletic Department are now being called into question, regarding their awareness of the players’ extraterrestrial lineage.
“Look, I’m not going to say that I wasn’t suspicious.” Head MU Basketball Scout Aaron Thomas said, regarding the extraordinary athleticism of the Monstars. “First of all, they’re like eight feet tall a piece. Originally, I just thought I hit the scouting lottery, finding such giants. Then I watched one of them outpace a greyhound, and another jump, literally jump, into a tree, trying to help a kid get his kite unstuck. In all honestly, I just assumed it was a lucky mixture of good genes and steroids.”
Since the announcement of the athlete’s non-human nature, others within the MU athletic community have spoken up.
“When I first met them last summer, they seemed like normal boys,” Martha Winters, Head Chef at the Missouri Athletic Training Center said. “Maybe a little taller than your average kid, but normal nonetheless. Then, as the summer progressed, they started making some pretty outlandish food requests. Raw meat, bone marrow, chicken blood…it got a little weird. One even asked for a ‘looney tune’. I figured that was the word for ‘chicken nuggets’ in his native language. Now it all makes sense.”
The five players in question, whose identities will remain hidden for their own privacy, are currently under the observation of several leading geneticists from across the globe at an undisclosed location. The NCAA will reach a verdict regarding the players’ eligibility after further testing has been performed.
