You know, this was almost a column dedicated to Ugg boots and yoga pants. Some sort of correlation to improper winter clothing would have been drawn, but let’s be real; that sounds fucking boring. Preaching to the choir, beating a dead horse with a stick, etc. All would be fitting cliche analogies to describe the content of a column that took a jab at that retched excuse for a “trendy outfit’.

Let me lead you down another path. Hopefully one that isn’t, pardon the repetition, a dead topic repeatedly beaten with an unfunny stick. But before I begin, I just have to get this off my chest; why in the HELL does Kristen Stewart continue to act? The trailers for every Twilight movie and Adventureland are the only Stewart flicks I’m familiar with. Let’s be honest, she has the same pissed off reaction to every positive and negative situation in the script.

As for her facial expression, well you’d hope for her sake she has a condition in which she can’t close her mouth or, God forbid, move her eyebrows up and down. Seriously, has anyone else noticed she approaches 75% of her theatrical conversations mouth agape? But the manner in which she approaches fans and media says more about her personality than her shoddy acting abilities. During her oscar acceptance speech with Edward Cullen (a.k.a. Cedric Diggory) she seemed like the most ungrateful little bitch in the world. If the Academy were to give her another award, it should be for “Best Personification of Youth Angst and Frustration in the Modern World”.

I’m seriously hoping that the producers of those bestiality-themed Rom-Com’s (for a non-fan of the series, the seriousness in which the trailers for every new movie are presented is comedic). I’m also hoping that post-Twilight One the producers had an “Ah, fuck” moment when they realized they were contractually obligated to put her on the screen for another three movies. Of course, who are we kidding, they each make more money than I’ve ever seen.

I digress, and frankly forgot what was to be the main topic of this column. Screw it. Ladies, yoga pants and Ugg boots never have been nor will be proper winter wear. When you wear period panties, everyone can see it, and it makes your ass look gross.