Since the policy for fraternity parties has changed this semester, many freshmen have been left wondering €œwhere am I gonna get my keystone buzz on and rub up against total strangers?€

Freshmen year without being crowded into the hot sweaty basement of a fraternity house and waking up in a “sober monitor” shirt (that you stole ironically) the next morning next to a total stranger isn’t really a freshmen year at all. You might as well be given your diploma after the first week of classes and go home. We cannot put those John Belushi posters to shame! (You know.. the one you bought even though you’ve never seen Animal House or heard of John Belushi.

To resolve this problem President Skorton has decided to take the Amy-Poehler-from-Mean-Girls approach and say “if you’re going to drink I’d rather you do it in the house.” ……..his house.

Can you hear the sounds of drunken college students yelling? I sure as hell can: “PARTY AT SKORTON’S HOUSE!!!!!!”

Skorton’s party is going to have all of the key elements (shout out!) that any college party should: watered down urine beer, toilet paper-less bathrooms, that one song that makes all the girls start singing at a pitch that only dogs can hear, boys wearing backwards baseball caps, and that one condom guys have had in their wallets since high school (because lets face it, without frat parties the percentage of virgins in the freshmen class is never going to drop.

If we stop having these parties, the STD prevalence is going to be nonexistent.. and then nobody will be happy because who doesn’t love that “sorry I gave you herpes”€ text the morning after?!).

This is going to be a party to end all parties (since this may very well be the last party Cornell ever sees). So freshmen; please stop coming to people’s houses in Collegetown uninvited.. and go to President Skorton’s house because you’re invited!

*There isn’t actually a party taking place at President Skorton’s house.