Recently, Cornell committed to spending 1.56 million dollars to make the gorges safer.  To put that in perspective, that’s enough money to cover almost forty years of Cornell tuition – reduce our campus’ carbon footprint by 30% – or, at the very least, it’s enough to get someone better than Taio Cruz for Slope Day.


That being said, President Skorton has pointed out that we are getting a lot for our money with this investment, including top-of-the-line safety features and even the creation of several new student jobs.


Yes, that’s right, the new safe gorge plan calls for the training and implementing of “bridge-walkers.”  These “bridge-walkers” are student employees that will direct traffic across the bridges so that only one student crosses at a time.  Also, these “bridge-walkers” will have been extensively trained on proper hand holding technique and counseling in order to make every student’s bridge crossing experience a warm and fuzzy one.


Speaking of warm and fuzzy; part two of the safe gorge plan will be implemented beneath the bridges, as the waters of Fall Creek will be entirely covered with buoyant mattresses.


Both the addition of the mattresses and the stocking of Beebe Lake with cartoon salmon, Skorton hopes, will attract a significant population of Care Bears to Ithaca.  They will help provide for an even softer, more comfortable, and – most importantly – safer college experience.


The final step of the safe gorge plan involves replacing Cornell students with cyborgs and transferring the entire campus to SUNY Cortland.