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Cornell University: Math 1910
Exam #2
Student Suspended For Attending Too Many Classes
Do you often feel overwhelmed because you are taking too many credits? Do you just go to other classes to just acquire more knowledge? No, I’m pretty sure you and I both don’t. That isn’t the case with junior Megan Kim of the engineering school, who was suspended from Cornell for attending too many classes... MORE »
Katie Jones ’15 Decides to Give Swahili Literature 101 A Chance
NORTH CAMPUS ““ After hours of thought and consideration, Cornell Freshman Katie Jones has decided today that she will give Swahili Literature 101 a chance. “I really had absolutely no interest in the topic whatsoever,” says Katie Jones. “But, the professor actually made the class seem pretty interesting, and the first few readings did make... MORE »
Finals Fornication
It is terribly important that we all at Cornell, get A’s on every exam and every paper. But, the most important weeks of our year come in December and May. Finals week. From interviews and experience Cornell Basement has found that the ultimate key to success during Finals Week is sex. Yes, you can be... MORE »
New Online Blackboard: Worse Than Chalk
Coming back to Cornell every August and signing into your Blackboard account used to be a simple task. But, this year, for some reason unbeknown to the student body, blackboard has changed. GASP! I logged in and there was a warning. IN CASE YOU’RE TOO STUPID TO HAVE NOTICED THE MAJOR CHANGES, WARNING THERE ARE... MORE »
Cornell Holds 80th Class Reunion
It truly was an incredible event. At the Cornell Club on June 9th the University held a reunion for the 1931 Graduating Class called the “Spirit of ’31.” Two alumna were honored at the event. Laible Tallmadge and Rosemary Hunt Todd of the class of 1931. Although 28 others are still alive they were unable... MORE »
Senior Shows Up Drunk to Prelim, Gets A+
As the semester begins to wind down, one thing is clear to everyone in Cornell: Seniors no longer give two shits about anything. Well, thats not true – Senior Girls are hell-bent on getting dick before they leave for the real world and realize that they are actually still in the 4-7 range compared to... MORE »
Alex Trebek is Pissed
Alex Trebek has announced if the misrepresentation doesn’t stop he is going to be suing any TA that plays the game “Jeopardy” in their section to either prepare for an exam, or just because they couldn’t think of anything else to do during class. Trebek refused to make a statement to us, but it is... MORE »
Hotelie Professor Freakout Original And REMIX Yawn Outside
ORIGINAL POST DATE: October 22nd, 2010 So word on the street and around Statler High is that a certain Hotel School professor recently flipped out during lecture because he heard someone yawn. I saw the video of the lecture (it was intimidating yet hilarious) but unfortunately I don’t have access to download it for all... MORE »
Cornell Freshman Gives Bo Burnham a Run for His Money
We hear this cutie’s looking for groupies, so if you’re interested… 😉 MORE »
Yogurt Crazy Bases Hours on New Cornell Study
A new business study from the Dyson School at Cornell shows that undergraduates only eat frozen yogurt at two points: when they are drunk or when the sun has completely set. When the Daily Sun article came out, students were confused as to whether or not this article was meant to be written for the... MORE »
Big Sent On Academic Leave For Not Loving Little Enough
Sophomore Emma Kirshin was sent home this week by Gannett health services after failing to display “an adequate level of cultish love and fervor” for her little. New sorority pledge and little Abby Tanger was upset when she entered her room to find only cookies, balloons, and candies. Standard protocol dictates that bigs must shower... MORE »
Skorton Credits First Born’s Blood Sacrifice for Warm Weather
ITHACA, NY-When Cornell University President David Skorton announced last month that he was going to sacrifice his first born child in an effort to snatch the NYC tech bid, Cornellian’s were quite skeptical. It seems as though Skorton has proved countless students wrong in not only earning the tech bid, but also in ensuring pleasurable weather for... MORE »
#RushWeek2012
Disclaimer: The frat you join in no way reflects your sexual orientation. Unless you’re a GDI in which case you are most definitely “a gay.” MORE »
Bottom 5 Worst Places To Vacation (Cornell)
This article is part of our “Let’s Keep This Website Awesome Over Winter Break” Tournament series. Check out the opposing article here and be sure to ‘like’ your favorite! 1. Jerry Sandusky’s Most Frequented Playground Hitting up the playground with your 4th grade bros during school vacation is the best. But nothing sucks more than... MORE »
Our New Year’s Resolutions 2012 (Cornell)
This article is part of our “Let’s Keep This Website Awesome Over Winter Break” Tournament series. Check out the opposing article here and be sure to ‘like’ your favorite!Having reflected upon the past year we here at Cornell Campus Basement have realized we’ve done some really bad things. Like, we’ve made really some awful decisions. ... MORE »
Cornell Economists Determine Jesus Christ’s Patronage of Tim Tebow to be “Inefficient†and “Not conducive to solving legitimate world problems.”
Ithaca NY””Economists working in Cornell’s Policy Analysis Lab have recently discovered several flaws in Jesus Christ’s social policies. The economists, studying everything from theological infrastructures to econometrics, published a journal article last Monday noting discrepancies between Jesus Christ’s “plans for all creatures on earth” and football. The team learned that Jesus invested too much of... MORE »
This Is What I Made Instead Of Studying
Finals Week! MORE »
Student Bombs Orgo Final: Thirteen Dead and Four Left Wounded.
Investigation pending. MORE »
Ithaca Is Broken
Somebody forgot to turn the cold back on. MORE »
Hitler Tries To Enroll In Classes. Hilarity Ensues.
*Author Unknown MORE »
Mother Nature To Cornellians: Fuck You. All Of You.
SNOW IN OCTOBER?! MORE »
Freshman Finally Finds Opportunity To Use Condom Stored In His Wallet Since Seventh Grade
While September 21 was an ordinary day for most of us, twenty three seconds made that day extraordinary for one Cornell University freshman. September 21 marks the day young Joseph Bemlin lost his Virginity. The young collegiate recalls spending the night consuming alcoholic drinks with his friends at a fraternity event. While Joe had said... MORE »
Cornell Beats Bucknell In Stunning Homecoming Victory””Cornellians Too Busy Studying To Attend
Yesterday, on an ordinary crisp autumn day, twelve Cornellian’s witnessed a miracle. That miracle being Cornell’s first football win in over seventy two consecutive years. In their premier homecoming game, Cornell’s team reigned victorious over Bucknell in a 24-13 win. Coach Kent Austin was both ” ecstatic” and “humbled” by the astonishing win. Unfortunately, with about 97 percent of... MORE »
Skorton Declares War On Friendship””Ends Pledging
In an effort to set a national precedent, Cornell University President David Skorton has vowed to put an end to fraternity pledging. In his Op Ed article published by the NY Times, Skorton outlined his plan to end hazing and replace the pledging period with a more positive initiation term. Cornell has been the site of... MORE »
Cornell’s World Renown Human Bonding Lab Reveals That “Sex Feels Good”
This weekend Cornell’s own Dr. Stephen Knight attended a local human bonding and biology conference where the esteemed professor touted his laboratory’s most recent discovery: “Sex Feels Good”. The world renown scientist and nobel laureate studied human physiology in conjunction with psychological profiles to gauge whether sex provided young men and... MORE »
Cornell Administrators Forget Annual Child Sacrifice: Mother Nature Not Pleased
Cornellians were quite upset this morning when they woke up to clouds showering snow. Many students who thought winter ended in march were displeased by the inclement weather on the Hill. In an attempt to dissuade prospective students from worrying about the weather, Day Hall in conjunction with the Department of... MORE »