-      The right to have a working hand dryer and a stocked soap dispenser coexist in harmony in the upstairs men’s bathroom by the gym. You’ve done a great job at having one at a time, but in this progressive era, you finally bring these two necessities together at the same time.

 

-       An actual incident for Public Safety to worry about in the village. For too long, you have wasted countless nights enforcing your top notch monitoring skills on petty Kan Jam games. I bequeath to you an actual reason to live.

 

-       Working laundry room dryers. Seriously, Mercer, I’d like to see your face after feeling the sheer devastation and frustration of walking to the laundry room only to find that out that you have to wait yet another hour for your clothes to dry. The rage felt in this situation is equivalent to the fiery wrath of 10,000 suns.

 

-       Easily accessible Wi-Fi Internet. It’s 2012, Ramapo. Grow up. I don’t know what the fuck a “bridge” is but I don’t know how to install it, and I don’t want to learn.

 

-       New yellow security gates. On behalf of other drunken students and myself…. My bad. Seriously, this one’s on me. My bad.

 

-       Security cameras at pay-caf. I guess this would help make it seem like you’re stopping food thieves, but when you have somebody on the inside, it just doesn’t matter. Free food for all!

 

-       Finally, some semblance of a real college experience. Do us all a favor. Lose the bouncy castles, fire the robo cops, and allow students to have fun one fucking time. So a big middle finger to you, Ramapo for teasing my dick the last four years with the prospect of a real college lifestyle.