You are not an
expert. But that’s OK!
Based on my research (glasses and glasses of research),
neither are most college students, and if you don’t want to be the guy who’ll
explain the difference between the 10 and 100 dollar bottle of wine, you don’t have to be.
Tannins, shmannins!
Am I right? Below is all the relevant information you’ll need handy to navigate
college parties and their sticky floors.
White
Ladylike, light, and chilled, drinking white wine at a party is how to
proclaim your stately femininity without compromising your getting-schwasted
agenda.
Bouquet: Your friends’
perfume and hairspray as you dress and pregame in their bathroom.
Taste: Sweeter and
less powerful than red.
Pair with: Reality TV
stars; drunkenly trying to “have a nice dinner party;” setting fish on fire in
the oven and canceling a nice dinner party.
Also: Rosee
Basically white, but
all rouged and gussied up. Slut.
(Note: If anyone
makes you pretend to have a preference about
cabernet/pinot/merlot/gris/grigio/whatever, and you don’t, say “what’s your
favorite” and nod. Like most things in college, caring can be rewarding but is
very optional.)
Red
This review is unbiased,
and as objective and scientific as possible, but seriously, red is the Jessica
to white’s Roger Rabbit. They may hang out, but we all know who everyone’s looking at.
Bouquet: Glory, class, comfort. An olfactory
hug.
Taste: Fuller, stronger, more excellent than
white. It’s like your first kiss, your best kiss, and that time your favorite
singer totally made eye contact with you from the stage rolled into a glass. If
you were apologizing to your mouth and wanted to woo it into make-up making-out
with you (er, figuratively), this is what you’d offer.
Pair with: Literally anything, any time ““ it’ll
class up a party, class up a dinner, class up an afternoon, class up your
morning Anthro class, class up your subsequent Netflix-chocolate-and-crying-in-bed-all-day
sesh (best with darker chocolate, if you pick this).
Also: Sangria
God, are you going to love wine cut with fruit juice. Even if you are not
a wine fan, god, are you going to love wine cut with fruit juice.
Two buck Chuck
(Charles Shaw)
The Russian Roulette
of wines, which is exciting ““ it’s made from surplus grapes from whoever wanted to
sell their surplus grapes, so the quality can vary. The best part is, it’s two
dollars.
Bouquet: Suspense/It doesn’t seem that bad”¦ This
might be a good one”¦
Taste: Down the hatch, in any case!
Pair with: Drinking games; regretting using it for
drinking games.
Franzia
Famous for being boxed, cheap, sweet, and a staple of many awesome
mothers and grandmothers.
Bouquet: Cardboard/plastic
Taste: Pucker-sweet and somehow also really
bitter
Pair with: Wine-partying on the go! Rest easy
knowing you can take off the box part and have your very own floppy five liter drank-bag
for the night to keep things real.
Can be hidden in purses, waved at friends and strangers, slapped.
So, to be clear, this
information is to grant a passing familiarity with the stuff you’ll be swilling
at someone’s house this weekend; it isn’t going to help you impress anybody.
But you’re not reading this because you’re pouring glasses to impress anybody ““
hell, there is a very small chance you’re even pouring into a glass.
(Credit goes to Lia Woodward for the
Jessica Rabbit joke)
