Good morning, sleepyhead. Did it feel nice waking up at 2 p.m. because you don’t have any Wednesday classes? It sure must’ve been. But don’t ask your roommate, because he was up at 5 to squeeze in his daily cardio regimen before his 8 a.m. Multivariable Calculus class. He has no idea what it’s like sleeping in because the internal clock drilled into him by his military-funded prep school prevents him from rising later than the sun.
The point I’m trying to make is your roommate is ever so casually better than you in every quantifiable way.
The way he maintains that stable, long-term relationship really puts your string of NSA booty calls to shame. And his effortlessly high grade point average really makes one question what you actually do with all that time in Leavey. (Don’t answer that. We all know you’re just playing Angry Birds.)
He has one more major, two more internships and three more extracurricular activities than you do, which wouldn’t be quite so bad if he had the decency to brag about even just one of them. But alas, no.

He even makes his bed.

Think back to the other day when you were bitching that you were too sick to leave your bed and go down one flight of stairs to the new CVS to get a bag of cough drops and some NyQuil? Not only did your roommate go out for you, he went all the way to the campus pharmacy for the good stuff. Would you have done the same for him?

You would. Oh really? Who are you trying to convince, me or yourself?
In fact, do you know where he is right now? He’s giving back. Freshman year involvement Troy Camp was a slippery slope to alternative spring breaks and college-bound programs for inner-city high schools. Right now he’s counseling reformed gang members, helping them learn marketable skills and break debilitating drug habits.
What are you doing right now? Surfing Facebook contemplating whether or not you have enough energy to squeeze one out. Nice, dude.
Face it, he wins. You’re a schlub, you’re annoying and that concealer isn’t concealing anything: you have eczema. I hate to say you’re a waste, but candor has always been my Achilles heel.
I think you see what I’m getting at here. What’s the takeaway here? There’s really only one thing for you to do that will do us all a favor…
Move out.