Your second-best
source for the past week’s Daily Trojan headlines


Spirit leaders reveal enormous new banner for Coliseum
student section :
You know what they say about spirit leaders with big banners”¦
they don’t have very big penises.


More women earning science master’s degrees : Marked rise in
douchebags going “kitchen sciences, am I right? Am I right??”


Parents come to campus for Parents’ Weekend : Parents’ Weekend
activities include Pretending You Don’t Drink, Feigning Enthusiasm About GE
Classes, and Privately Dying Inside As You Introduce Them To People You’ve
Slept With


DPS encourages safety over Halloween weekend : “You know how
you get. You see all that candy, and there’s just no stopping you.”


Thornton student Simone Battle credits schoolwork with
helping her on the X Factor :
Obviously referring to WRIT 140, most other GEs


Obama’s new Pay As You Earn student loan plan caps payments,
forgives the balance after 20 years, and will be implemented next year :
41-year-old me is finally getting that weekend at the water park!


Hoopnotica held in Lyon Center as part of our participation
in Pac-12 fitness challenge :
Did you hear that, UCLA?? You challenge us to
fitness and we answer, triumphantly, HULA HOOPS


Coliseum official allegedly received seedy payments from
contractor for “his boat” and “another boat” :
In other news, America’s cliche
mafia-like crime industry is bouncing back


College students deny support for DREAM act, which offers
illegal immigrants financial aid for college tuition :
Why make it so easy? Our ancestors had to forcibly pry from the
natives their higher education


Occupy USC begins at Tommy Trojan : “Oh no!!” ““ Not Wall


USC institutes financial aid calculator for prospective
students :
In lieu of numbers, the results range from “moderately screwed” to “aaghghughalughghg.”

Photo credit: Grace Talice Lee