Halloween night creeps up on you like a serial killer, sinking the knife of realization into your procrastinating back and screaming “YOU HAVEN’T MADE A COSTUME YET!”
For those in this predictable predicament who still want to cook up something that will turn heads (and maybe rip them right off), here are a some witty revamps of the quick and DIY classics and a few new concoctions out of the cauldron.
Materials: toilet paper, tape
There are few costumes easier to assemble than a mummy, but unless you spice it up, everybody will think you’re a tad dry.
Soccer Mummy (For Ladies): Bring a soccer ball, and, if possible, a couple of friends dressed as your kids. Make sure to give lots of constructive criticism and belittle the ref! (For bonus points, arrive with everyone in a minivan.)
Probable Gauze: Wrap only your head (and maybe hands), don a suit, and go as the lead lawyer from Law and Order: Lower Nile Delta.
Hey Mummy (Sexy): Wrap over a bathing suit or other scanty garment, not so small that it can’t fit an iPod playing the intro of the Black Eyed Peas “Hey Mama”. A warning: some Linge-Raiders may start unwrapping you to get a better look at your Lost Ark.
TOGAS (OR STOLAS FOR HISTORICALLY ACCURATE LADIES)
Materials: bedsheets, maybe safety pins
You may think that your lack of plain white sheets defeats you here, but don’t be fooled: togas have always been different colors, and there’s more than a few ways you can spice up the old concept. Check the internet for instructions on how to wrap, or, if you think you got flow like a Greco-Ro, freestyle it.
Mr. Pinstripe Toga: For those with striped sheets of any kind (authentic pinstripe sheets are only a plus if Tim Gunn crashes your party after his talk on Friday). If you have a fedora, use it.
Bro-ga: Throw on a baseball cap and add “-ski” as required. In fact, if you or a friend has some skis, you can layer your bro jokes. Same goes for those who have time to make a trident (stick some empties on the spikes) and go as Broseidon, the really chill god of the sea.
Toe-ga (Sexy): Cut a small piece of fabric out of a sheet or shirt you don’t care about and wrap it around your big toe. Wear with sandals and as little else as you are comfortable with.
A FEW NEW SCREAMS
Pun #1: Hung, Drawn, and Quartered
Materials Required: socks (or an oversized cup), an artistic friend, quarters, tape
Stuff the socks down your pants to create the illusion–I mean, enhance the presence–of a huge package. Have a friend draw you, and tape the resulting picture and the quarters to your shirt. Congratulations: you are now the punniest medieval execution of the night.
Pun #2: The Spirit of Troy
Materials: USC merchandise, flour or white face paint or a white sheet.
With the sheet, cut eye holes, drape yourself, then don a trojan hat. With face paint or flour, don your SC gear and coat any exposed skin (there will probably be some) with white. Bonus points if you moan the SoCal Spellout in haunting slow motion. Even more bonus points if you still screw up around “F-O-R-N-I-A!”
Pun #3: Sale: Pants Half-Off
For Friends, Sexy
Materials: 1 pair old pants, scissors, 2 belts
Cut straight up the seam between the two legs. Give one to a friend, cinch them up with the belts, and come sale away!
And if you’re absolutely out of time, and nothing here inspires you, you can always be:
Materials: Your Clothes, Your Things
If you do choose this option, you’re going to have a hard time getting a costume discount on parties. You might try these excuses; if any of them work, let us know in the comments.
“Sometimes I scare even myself.”
“I’m a graduating senior looking for jobs.”
“I’m the Twelfth Doctor.” Sexy continuation: “Would you like to see my TARDIS?”
“Oh, come on. I’m dressed. If you want any more it’s gonna costume.”
Gentlemen would well be advised to read this recent appeal for men to wear sexier costumes. Ladies might be interested in Halloween’s origins as All Sluts Day.