It’s that time again for college applications to roll into the admissions office at USC ““ but one Trojan in the Class of “16 has already been announced. After deferring for a year, iCarly star Miranda Cosgrove will attend in the fall as both student and working actress.
This got me thinking. Hollywood-friendly USC has always been a popular college destination for the stars (Lil’ Romeo anyone?). But if I could hand-pick my all-star lineup freshmen class? Well, it would go a little something like this:
Saoirse Ronan
For those students with names that are constantly butchered by professors, having Saoirse around would make you a little less alone. But more so, this girl is badass. Depending on if she retained anything from her performance as Hanna, she would be the perfect friend to deflect douchey guys at parties. Is that guy bothering you? Saoirse/Hanna could break his limbs for you if you like. You might also recognize her from The Lovely Bones and Atonement, which are, y’know, super award-nominated films. Unfortunately, it would be a crazy long commute for her from Ireland.
Let’s face it. American Idol winners are known for… not much. Even my girl Kelly Clarkson is lacking in awesome lately, and my life is sucking A LOT without her (ha). But USC could change all that! Scotty is the perfect college-bound age to scoop up and transform into a productive Trojan! With Scotty as our pet project, we could save him from ending up like the Taylor Hicks’ and the David Archuletta’s. Five years from now, Idol could do a “where are they now?” special and McCreery would be best known for graduating from a top university, and more importantly, leading yet another USC acapella group to victory on The Sing Off.
Angus T. Jones
At first glance, this kid looks like any other USC freshman. But how fun would it be to meet him at a party and drunkenly realize he’s the half-a-man! From that one show? Holy shit!!! Aside from that, we really do need to save poor Mr. Jones from sitcom hell. It’ll be hard, as Angus T. is one of the highest paid child-actors on television, but I think we could do it. Just as long as Charlie Sheen never comes to visit.
Taissa Farmiga
This one is simple. Any closer to the minds of American Horror Story I can get, I’ll take it. Plus despite also having a weird name, Taissa seems like a pretty cool chick. I would really like access to her character Violet’s hat collection.
Justin Bieber
You may read this and think: “But Becca. WHAT?” But there are many upsides to Justin being on campus. For example, where Justin goes, all of the screaming preteen girls go. Oh wait. Nevermind.
TRANSFERS!
Emma Watson
I know I speak for everyone when I say that I hope Hermione changes her mind about Brown. She’s already in the country: WE MUST GET HER TO THE WEST COAST. Because I just get the impression that Emma would be the coolest chick alive to go to school with, pixie-cut or no pixie-cut. Seriously. What does Brown have that we don’t? On top of that, Brown is the color of poop.
James Franco
Harry Osborn has already tried his hand at UCLA, NYU, Columbia, Yale, etc., and I figure there is absolutely no reason why he can’t get some kind of super PhD in multi-tasking from USC. We had his little brother Dave for awhile, and that was cool, but James can seriously do anything. Movies, soap operas, art, mediocre short stories, cutting off his own arm! I vote he joins the Trojan Marching Band for starters.
GRAD STUDENTS!
Tommy Wiseau
Let’s just go ahead and say Wiseau would indeed make the greatest addition to the USC cinema school – EVER. I would love to hear his creepy voice in every single one of my classes. We could throw a football around McCarthy Quad, buy some flowers, and overall be fed up with this world.
Fake or not, this video hit way too close to home. I need someone like her near me so we can feel this way about cats together.
My greatest wish for USC is that Gary Busey table on Trousdale Parkway. After his stint on the Celebrity Apprentice, I think this man really has the skills to break through to anyone. He made Meatloaf cry! And if all else fails, students will be so frozen with terror that they’ll have to listen to whatever it is he says.
