Last weekend campus was all abuzz about everyone’s favorite
awards show being hosted at our very own campus. The festivities took about a
week to construct, drawing a lot of attention from passerby.

“I think it’s every kid’s dream to someday receive one of
those knitted sock trophies,” says Gordon Fern, sophomore. “I mean, the senior
citizen audience is an important one. In the past, they were our future! Think
about it.”

Streets surrounding the event were shut down, probably as a
precaution for the heightened number of elderly drivers.

The ceremony was hosted by none other than Sean Connery
himself, who also took home several knitted socks for winning in the “Best”
“Choice” and “you can have my wife” categories.

Among those in attendance were the entire cast of NCIS, Angela
Lansbury, Regis Philbin, Oprah, Jay Leno, Hugh Hefner, Jane Seymour, Larry King
and Betty White, with musical performances by Susan Boyle, Josh Groban and
Justin Beiber.

While most of the audience didn’t really understand anything
about Justin Beiber or what he stands for, Lois Williams loved the performance.
“Justin who? But isn’t that my grandson down there?” Those around her nodded
and grunted in agreement about him also being their grandson.

Kanye West also made an appearance in spite of frequent
requests to leave.

Arguably the most scandalous part of the night was Cloris
Leachman’s sequined sweater malfunction, in which her sweater fell open enough
to reveal a second sequined sweater underneath. Fortunately our photographer
just wasn’t fast enough.

About halfway through the ceremony, all in attendance
participated in the traditional “nap time,” during which sponsors Viagra,
Polident, Activia, and Life Alert aired thirty minutes’ worth of commercials.

One guest, Herman Merman, wasn’t thrilled about being forced
to take a nap. “I can do whatever I damn well please! I’m 84! I think I know
whether or not I need to go to slee-” he groused shortly before passing out

For the eighth consecutive year, Girl Scouts, balloon
animals, and walk-in bathtubs took home most of the awards. Newcomer David Duchovny
took home the award for “Oh him, the handsome one”.

Charlie Brown, for obvious reasons, was unable to accept his
award in person. As presenter Don Rickles put it, “he’s simply too busy to be
here tonight.”

Oh well Kanye West, there’s always next year.