We’ve all been there ““ dressed to impress at the best rager on Thursday night. The clock strikes 1am with DPS nowhere in sight; a great song comes on as you chat up the hottie you’ve been meaning to talk to for weeks. Then, out of nowhere? The person you least want to see stumbles up to you, spilling beer on your favorite shoes.
You know the one. The obnoxious girl who talks too much in class. Or your neighbor who’s gotten the impression that you’re BFFs for life. Either way, the last thing you need is to be stuck with the party loser all night.
“HEY!” they practically yell, and then brace themselves by grabbing onto you for dear life. “How great is this night? I’m so drunk. Drunk drunk drunk. Are you going to the other house after this?”
Finally, there’s a solution. Along with the CampusCruiser program that gives a ride home no questions asked, USC Transportation has introduced a new service called “CampusLoser.”
It works like this. Simply call their hotline and a representative will arrive shortly at your party to take over for you as the “good friend.” CampusLoser will entertain your loser friend for up to one hour as you continue to chat, hook up, or make a get away. Their student workers will hold their puke-stained hair through every hurl, and if necessary, work with Cruiser at the end of the hour to find them a way home.
Our staff tested the program last weekend and found that while the service as a whole is extremely valuable, they wished they hadn’t been kept on hold for twenty minutes (their loser-friend was being particularly stupid and loser-y at the time.)
“For once I was off the hook! CampusLoser made sure my cousin didn’t drunk-text our entire family while I got to have fun. What a relief.”
“No more having to leave the party early! The representative came and listened to my friend cry in the bathroom for an entire hour. I could still get my dance on!”
“What a great service. USC really takes care of its students, even when they’re being annoying douches. Trojan family for life!”
“From the bottom of my heart ““ thanks, CampusLoser.”
