There are many things to be expected when you start sharing a room with another person. But unless that roommate is your girlfriend, boyfriend, or you would like for them to be one of those, something you don’t typically count on/hope for is how much and how often you will get a glimpse of that person’s unmentionables.
A small percentage of college folks have managed to make it through without incident, however for the rest of us, the clothes have come off. We’ve seen it. Some of us have seen it all. Or some of it all. And maybe even all of some of it.
What I’ve done here is created a safe place where anyone can relate over their roommates’ various nudity levels, and also go home with a little personal meaning behind it all, because one man’s nakedness is his roommate’s true personality.
It’s time to face the truth, and my friends, that truth is a naked one.
Directions: Find which scenario you most relate to, then feel free to avert your eyes, just like you always do.
Runaway Butt
Whether you’re dealing with a skirt that’s too short, or pants that are too low, it all boils down to you getting an eyeful of posterior for which you most certainly did not sign up. It’s like some people’s butts are just constantly trying to escape, or to catch a glimpse of the world, maybe. Whatever the reason, the
important thing is that you’re always the witness.
So for you: You look at people’s butts! And people are gonna start to notice this habit. Have you ever considered that maybe the butt you should be watching is your own??
Shirtless Sheldon
This one is arguably the most common, primarily among the men
folk, although I’ll wager that ladies have their fun too. Being shirtless is a
popular thing and it’s been that way for a long time, especially before shirts
were invented. Some people like cooking shirtless (maybe for the element of
danger?), some enjoy sitting around shirtless, and a lot of people like
sleeping shirtless. I’m not entirely sure why and I haven’t really asked around
that much either or tried very hard at all to find out, but I imagine it gets
cold.
None of these address the lurking cause of shirtlessness though, which we owe to our friend the sweatshirt. If you’re confused, just take my hand and follow me for a moment into the hypothetical forest: your roommate is wearing a sweatshirt, and since you’re all indoors and it’s much warmer now, it’s time to take that sweatshirt off. The only thing is, your roommate never remembers that shirts get stuck tosweatshirts, and faster than you can say “hey remember that time I saw all of your chest and quite a lot of your back on accident” they are standing in front of you halfway to being naked. And they never learn.
So for you: You could probably loosen up a little bit. Try out the shirtless thing. You know what they say about walking a mile in someone’s shoes….it may be worth it to walk a mile in someone’s shirt. Or not in anyone’s shirt, as the case may be.
Doing the No Pants Dance
The most famous offenders are probably Donald Duck and Winnie
the Pooh. And your roommate.
Some people just like to take their time changing and prance around without pants. Between you, me, and the rest of the internet, this is something I do when I know that I have a place entirely to myself, as a way of really
making the most of it. Pantslessness isn’t even a huge deal on the scale of
naked as long as everyone understands that if you accidentally start to
memorize the colors/patterns of your roommates underwear, it’s not your fault. But then there are the people that like doing it when they know you’re having company, or when your parents are visiting. That’s where things get strange.
So for you: Take some pride in your own legs! Show your roommate’s legs who’s boss! You may find out that it’s their legs that are the boss, but hey, the point was to clear that up.
Slippery Towel
This goes out to the roommates that take their time getting in
the shower, or just take their time putting clothes back on after said shower, and aren’t responsible about it. They probably have a towel that they really really like, because gosh they can’t seem to let it go! And yet, they do, at an alarming frequency. I’m referring to all those times that you’re standing there minding your own business when your roommate’s towel just drops several levels below where it should be. “Woops.” The thing is, you know that “woops” happens every damn day.
So for you:What are you doing? Quit hanging around when your roommate is in a towel! Maybe they haven’t learned from their mistakes, but that doesn’t mean YOU can’t. Get outta there!
Loosey Goosey Pajamas
I’m gonna take a second to directly address the ladies. Some shirts really don’t count as shirts at all, but for some reason this line gets blurred when you’re in pajama territory. Your roommate might be comfortable in that super loose, well loved tank top from that relay race freshman year, but you are uncomfortable with how much roommate boob you can see. This gives new
meaning to the phrase “hanging out.”
So for you: So you saw a boob. Or two. You probably haven’t even brought it up, have you? And you won’t, because you’re so passive you can’t even say “hey, You! There! Boob!” Until you do, hanging boobs are what you’ll get, and what you deserve.
I Thought You Were Asleep?
According to your roommate, when your eyes are closed, you might as well not exist, which means it’s prime time for your roommate to take off their clothes. Then when you wake up from that crazy dream you had where your ex was making out with Amy Poehler, you find that the nightmare isn’t over for your eyeballs. You shut your eyes and pretend to still be asleep until you think it’s safe. You always guess wrong, though.
So for you: Seriously, what is your problem? Stop waking up when your roommate is naked! This is your fault.
The Nude Sleeper
I think this speaks for itself.
So for you: Don’t look! WHY do you always look??
Knock First
I think you know where this is going. It’s late. Or maybe it isn’t. It might be broad daylight, but to your roommate it doesn’t matter. There wasn’t even a sock on the door. No indication, no warning signs. Just you walking into your room to find a two for one deal. Your roommate and “a friend”
are both enjoying some naked time, and it’s all seared into your retinas. The
art gallery that’s in your brain just hung a giant portrait of what you saw:
everything AND the “friend’s” everything, all in a really nice thick frame.
So for you: You have a problem with knocking. And you really dwell on the past, especially stuff that happened 30 seconds ago. Calm down. What’s really bothering you is that your roommate has a friend to be naked with and you don’t. That’s something for you to work on. The weird appearance of your roommate’s junk had nothing to do with it.
Confident Constable
This is the most extreme, but it happens. Oh does it happen. This type of roommate considers wearing clothes to be a chore, so like any good
important chore, they don’t do it. They are obviously very comfortable with
their own body, and therefore so should you. Be comfortable with their body, I
mean. To hell with yours. Not only do you see everything, but it isn’t going
away any time soon.
So for you: You’re starting to wonder if clothes are a normal thing. All of a sudden, you feel hot and itchy all over, because these THINGS are covering your body. Pieces of material, just hanging off of you. Maybe the world deserves to see what you’re made of-STOP THIS. Did you feel that? That was me slapping you across your wanna-be naked face. Step outside! Look around! The world is wearing a button down! Don’t forget it.
If none of these sound like you, then I have some news for you:
You’re the Naked One
Surprise!
So for you: You’re naked right now. Aren’t you.
Have a new roommate to live with? Learn how to build a partnership with the one.
