I know what you’re thinking. You think you’re helpless, a
lost cause, a waste of an abominable
amount of tuition money because one week of the first semester has gone by (for
those of us in the B-School) and you’ve yet to attend a single class. And
why? Those damn crafty eyelids won’t
slide up in time for class. Or, if you’re like me, your brain has a habit of
convincing you that 3 more minutes of sleep from 9:43 to 9:46 will actually be
amazing. Then, at 11:28, when you wake up again, it doesn’t feel so hot.


I’ve got many a solution for you, and like all my previous
articles I’ve outlined them in an easy-to-read, simple-to-understand,
less-hyphenated-than-this-sentence format. Look no further for your early
morning assistance.

Note: I’m also honored that in this time of depression and angst, you turned to Campus Basement. It means a lot.

Are you simply not waking up?

Set an alarm.
-This may seem like a simple solution, but you’d be amazed how many times
people (read: me) forget to set the alarm the night before. Or, they (I) set it
for 9:30 PM instead of AM. Solution: stop being an idiot, you (me), and set it
for the right time.

Set a LOUD alarm.
-Clock radios these days have really annoying buzzers that will work
brilliantly for just this purpose, but I know what you’re saying: “It’s not
1999, nobody has clock radios anymore.” Well, forgive me, Mr./Ms. Pretentious,
sorry they’re too cool for you. Phones also have an array of annoying sounds,
and ringtones are an option too. However, NEVER pick one of your favorite songs
as an alarm. You will grow to resent and despise that song, as you will
associate it with the pain of waking up. EXCEPTION: Circle of Life, from Lion
King. My best idea to date, because waking up to NAAAAAAAAA SIPENYAAAAAAA
KONODEESEEMABAAAAAA is one of life’s most enriching experiences. The only
concern is that it may cause you to want to quit school and go live in the
jungle, but that is a small price to pay.

Have a roommate send a singing telegram.
-Ordinarily, you might think I’d say have your roommate wake you up, but as I
mentioned with the song alarms, you will only grow to despise and resent their
voice, and ultimately, him/her/it as a person/thing. Take that resentment out
on the annoyingly peppy asshat that just stepped out of a Vaudeville brochure
and is singing “Sweet Caroline” at your window.

Is the snooze button your best friend?

Hide the alarm the night before.
-The key to setting an effective alarm is for your night self to be your
morning self’s worst enemy. Hide the alarm, force yourself to get out of bed
and find the fucking thing. It’s a pain in the ass, and boy does it work.

Hide multiple alarms the night before.
-If you want to REALLY piss your morning self off, set three or more alarms for
5 minutes apart. Chances are, the zombie that you wake up as in the morning
will forget about them, and while you may sacrifice a good portion of your
sanity (that you probably didn’t have anyway), but it is TOTALLY worth it to go
to that one finance class.

Can you not motivate yourself to get out of bed for class?

See Circle of Life alarm idea above.
-Seriously. That works like a fucking charm.

Get a really uncomfortable bed.
-This might make it tough to fall asleep, but once you do, it’ll be much easier
to get out of bed. These damn Tempurpedics that we get on the 40 are killing
attendance rates all over campus. Also, I suggest keeping a second, more
comfortable mattress for the weekends. Nothing says Sexless Innkeeper like a
really uncomfortable bed, am I right? What in the WORLD is up?!

Stop sleeping.
-This is really only advice for freshmen and sophomores, because it’s my junior
year now and I have been rendered completely incapable of pulling a complete
all-nighter. I guess this is what adulthood feels like? Anywho, the easiest way
to not sleep through class is, you guessed it, don’t sleep! Problem solved.
NOTE: My inside sources tell me the easiest way to pull successful all-nighters
is to become an architecture major. Although you will end up saying things like
“I worked for 24 hours straight yesterday” when in reality you drew pictures
and watched Prison Break for 6 hours.

Reconsider your major.
-If you truly can’t get out of bed because you don’t want to go to class THAT
badly, you might want to consider changing your classes to something less, say,
terrible? There’s a major for everyone, and there’s also engineering. But,
alas, if you can’t find ANYTHING to motivate you to get out of bed, first seek
help, then seek the B-School, where we don’t just allow absences, we actually
encourage them!

There you have it. If none of these solutions work, I don’t
know what to tell you. But I heard they pay people to sleep in some countries,
so I suggest trying that out, assuming you can motivate yourself to get out of
bed to find it.

Love you all.