Everyone’s got a resume that shows off what’s great,
respectable and hire-able about them and its fanciness stands up even to their
fancy interview clothes.
Everyone, also, whether they’ve written it or not, has a
Nega-Resume – which details just the opposite.
LADY TROJAN – Senior
(310) still – givesafakenumbersometimes
forwardstomy@dolphinsemailfrom8thgrade.com
EDUCATION LOWLIGHTS
High school ““ 2004-2008 – Concentration: getting into an Ivy League
school; Defining moment: crying over being salutatorian; voted “most likely to take
it personally if not awarded a superlative”
College ““ 2008-2012 (anticipated) – Not Ivy League But Still Like A Really Good
School For What I Want to Do; Concentration: Being Totally Fine With That
AWARDS
Acceptable-ish student ““ College
Never bought books (noticed that they were expensive)
“I prefer to decide myself what I get out of my education” = “I don’t take notes and, seriously, MLA format can die in a fire”
Addicted to the adrenaline of barely making deadlines
The Klepto Roommate ““ Sophomore year
Got some very cute clothes and, accidentally, some spoons
Didn’t Wash A Single Dish ““ Spring 2010
Really busy at first, then just wanted to see if I could
EXPERIENCE (I’M NOT PROUD OF)
Obligatory white-kid
rap phase ““ 2006-2008
Lifelong alternation between bragging
about knowing and pretending I don’t know the lyrics to “The Eminem Show”
Really slutty
period ““ Fall 2008
Because why not
~2/5 of these people make me sort of happy
Less slutty period ““ Spring 2009-Spring 2011
Listen I don’t want to do this
anymore except for when I want to do this anymore
The TA and the completion of my color
wheel were totally worth relapses
Oh god what is
that ““ Nov 2009-Dec 2009
Probably nothing
Oh god oh god oh god it’s totally
something
Might as well commit hara-kiri
before this gets out
Doctor says ingrown hair.
Well this is going to my grave
First
relationship ““ Spring 2011
Who needs friends or acquaintances
Obnoxious PDA – Became what I once hated
Pet names (secretly)
(and then, horrifically, not-secretly)
Special skills ““ Morally superior to people who don’t drink soy milk; sleeping
sitting up; only smoking while drunk; judges everyone else who smokes while
drunk; proficient with Excel
Things I keep doing for fun even though they’re always a
terrible decision ““ All-nighters;
tequila; being high at parties; not wearing a bra; attractive jerks; not-attractive
jerks; admitting to anyone I have anything worth borrowing; picking at it
REFERENCES
RA I avoided addressing
all year because I couldn’t pronounce/spell his name
Amy ““ Hooked up with her
longtime crush
Ben ““ I liked his
roommate better
Professor Chu ““ Has one
doctor’s note from me for every paper we were assigned
