Once A
Week Has Never Been So Satisfying

Weekly Sex – 

Me and my girlfriend have been together for a couple months and
like each other a ton, but something really stupid has been bothering me. I
like spooning as much as the next guy, but I’m ALWAYS big spoon. I think I’d
like being little spoon — is that normal??

-Wrong Spoon, sophomore

Wrong Spoon – 

If there’s anything the proud variety in my sexual history has
taught me, it’s that there is
no wrong spoon
. Your “I’m a freak for wanting to cuddle with my
girlfriend differently” attitude is obviously borne of some Amish
upbringing that’s kept you away from the internet. 

The sex lives of the busy and noncommittal usually involve being
more forthcoming with weird fantasies (like, who has the time to suggest
role-playing delicately??), so your worrying is an indication to me that you do
really care about your girlfriend. But until you’re asking to be little spoon
while she wears a bunny suit and talks down to you in Japanese (and if that’s what
you want, I know a guy), don’t entertain the fear that what you want isn’t


Dear Mr. Spoon,

Just out of curiosity, you are talking about sexless spooning, right?
Like, spooning without sex being involved? And you’re both wearing pajamas and
your retainers are securely in your mouths for the night because you both care
about maintaining your straight teeth? Not that it matters, at all, or that I
relate to that scenario better, or anything, in case you thought that. 

Now that we’ve cleared that up, I think it’s totally normal to
want to be held, whether you’re a guy or a girl. I have actually reprised both
the roles of big and little spoon many times (not simultaneously of course.
That’s not a thing, is it?) and I think I have something better for you: try
lying on your sides but facing each other instead in a horizontal embrace! It’s
a win-win because everyone gets held AND everybody gets face time. You can have
a nice easy conversation, smile at each other, and look into each other’s eyes
until you fall asleep. 

In fact I’m pretty sure it’s just like sex.


Dear Utensil,

No it isn’t.

The idea of a man spooning a woman is
not only disgusting and wrong, but thoroughly unnatural. To quote Leviticus
19:23: “God said unto his children, “let no man lie with a woman wherein he is
the diminutive spoon or both shall be beaten to bereavement with the fruit of
the loam.'” So yes, if being stoned to death by homosexuals wearing unGodly
tight undergarments, then I think that it’s normal.

My advice to you is this: be happy
with who you are. As the man, you are obviously the larger party. Therefore you
are the larger spoon. It’s a fairly simple equation. Do not pine for the

Remember your place (with one arm

Quinn Sosna-Spear

Dear Wrong Spoon,

wish to utterly refute my colleague’s fraudulent statement (with, of course,
the utmost respect) that there is a simple equation to determine the correct
spooning position.  All such equations are incredibly complex, and I do
not advise you use them.

there may be rough calculations derived from the ratios of the masses, volumes,
heights (and sometimes lengths) of the two partners, size is only a small
factor in spooning equations.  Without going into great detail, one must
consider neurological dominance factors in both participants in the spoon
before examining moral standard deviation or physical ratios. After the
disavowal of Big Spoon Theory and before pioneering experimentation by Bill
Nye, one even had to compute all of the possible curvatures within the
space-time continuum and narrow those down to the probable configurations of
two bodies, not unlike the science behind gravitational attraction between
planets like Saturn and Uranus.


Wrong Spoon,

The only thing correct about anything coming from your entry to
us is the fact that name has the word “Wrong” in it. Of course you
can be any spoon you want to be, but why do you have to come whining to us
about it? Do you not have the man-courage enough to just say, “Yo, I wanna
be held now too?” Is that so hard? If that is too hard for you then I’m
surprised you’re even having sex at all (because you have to be hard to have
sex in the first place). Your cowardice disgusts me to the core and makes me
want to find your girlfriend and have her spoon me in spooning ways that have
never occurred before, because if I know anything it’s how to be spooned. 

Love & Kisses,


Wrong Spoon,

it hangin’? All this talk of spoons reminds me of my first piece… so many
memories, such good times. Because let’s get down to it, man. We need to come
together, you know? In fact, we should all just hold each other. Think about it: a giant chain of
people spooning? So much love. Why can’t we actually just do that? Seriously.
I’ll sign up right now.  

if you want to convince your girl that you’re in need of some holding, let’s
talk. I got the perfect recommendation for a strain that’ll make her want to
grab onto you for dear life until the room stops spinning. It’ll make all your
little spoon dream comes true and so much more. The world is beautiful, wrong
, and so are you. Don’t forget it.


HEY, YOU! Yeah, you! Who just read this sexy, enlightening article! If you’d like advice about a personal problem from our knowledgey staff, email cbweeklysex@gmail.com.

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