When I applied to the U I had one fear: Parking Spaces. Everybody knows a college’s prestige is defined by the number of parking spaces it has on campus, since it’s directly correlated to the number of billionaire alumni. Since I plan on being a billionaire by 2013 (I watched the Social Network, I know how these things go), where would I park my 600 sports cars? Off campus parking? Yeah right, might as well be a peasant parking lot.

My crippling fears were immediately dispelled once I discovered Donna Shalala had finally approved the addition of two new floors to the Pavia Parking garage. Hailed as an unfinished masterpiece, the building was originally the work of the legendary parking garage designer, Pavia Gustiov. Since his death in 1832, mysteriously long before the creation of the automobile, scholars have debated whether or not to touch this genius structure. At around 3,000,000 dollars, the cost to renovate equals only about 60 years of tuition, which is nothing compared to the revenue and fame the new renovations will bring to the University of Miami. The new and improved Pavia Parking garage will not only attract foreign diplomats and ex – presidents, but also Karl who works at Jamba Juice who “totally needs a better parking spot.”

The first new level will be the site of this year’s graduation with it’s 20,000 square acre standing space. A 18 hole golf course, a rock wall, and an experimental Nuclear reactor some of the many features the floor will have. Level 2 will become the new UC lounge, with a 70 inch flat screen for every parking space and even an IMAX screen for people parked to watch. Naturally, only movies with the greatest actor known to man will be shown, and probably Cars 2. The roof will be a G6 landing strip, a Pavia Garage-themed roller coaster, and drivingcircuit with Rick Ross on a Maybach, on which he is under contract to perform for the rest of his natural life.

In honor of this garage-tastic event, UM is proud to announce the opening of the Pavia School of Garage and Parking Studies, which will prepare students for the highly competitive world of Garage handling. “There is a great need in this country to create leaders in the Garage industry,” said world renowned parking garage expert Paul “The Parker” Parkington. “By attracting faculty from around the world, students will work and learn in Pavia, dreaming of one day becoming a fraction as important to human development as a parking garage is.”

Award winning architect Robert Buildare was extremely excited at the completion of such a distinguished building. As he put it: “Pyramids, Tower of Pisa, Statue of Liberty, Pavia Garage.” When asked how such a building aides education in anyway ” Why did Steve Jobs drop out of college? To start Apple in his GARAGE! HP,Google, Disney…probably Scientology… all very successful businesses fostered in the intellectual Petri dish provided by a garage. Why else would we spend 3 million dollars in a recession?”

In other news parking passes will now cost 5000 dollars a day.