Halloween is fast approaching, and junior fashion design major Crystal Shapiro is at a crossroads. In what quite possibly may be the most difficult decision she’ll ever make, she has narrowed down her costume options to two: a slutty nurse, and a slutty police officer.

This upcoming weekend is a truly glorious time for college students, as it presents a once-a-year opportunity in which it is socially acceptable for girls to walk around half naked without getting called a skank or a whore. However, it presents them with so many fun, topical, creative costume ideas that for students like Shapiro, it can become overwhelming.

The Halloween store on Erie Boulevard has an enormous variety of women’s costumes available. After hours of deliberation, Shapiro had reluctantly eliminated slutty schoolteacher, slutty maid, slutty firefighter, slutty angel, slutty devil, and slutty Disney princess from her list, leaving but two costumes left.

“They’re both soooo cute!” Shapiro exclaimed. “The slutty nurse outfit makes my boobs look bigger, but the slutty cop outfit comes with, like, these sexy toy handcuffs. But also, the slutty cop outfit shows a few more inches of leg, and the slutty nurse outfit has this adorable fake stethoscope.”

“I just don’t knowwwww,” she concluded. Godspeed, Crystal Shapiro. Godspeed.