On Tuesday, the Syracuse Police Department suffered another huge hit: the Onondaga County District Attorney’s office opened an investigation into whether or not SPD is, in fact, a real police squad.
“They’ve been around for hundreds of years, yet not once have I seen anyone arrested or, for that matter, even investigated,” said DA Kurt O’Hara. “I mean, someone brings them a child molestation case nine years ago and they forget?! How does that even happen?!”
This most recent investigation begins amid recent allegations that former assistant coach Bernie Fine molested two Syracuse basketball ball boys and that the police were informed of this in 2002 but failed to act accordingly.
“Obviously, I can’t discuss the details of our investigation,” said O’Hara, “but let’s just say this: one of them pointed a gun at a suspect once and I could see the Super Soaker label through the black spray paint. And the “suspect’ in question was a five-year-old boy who had “parked his tricycle illegally,’ within ten feet of a hydrant.”
Current Syracuse Police Chief Robert Downing stands by his department’s existence. “I’m sure this will all be cleared up in a matter of minutes,” said Downing. “That is,” added Downing, “if O’Hara ever wants to park his car within a twenty-mile radius of Syracuse without being instantly booted.” Downing then proceeded to cackle madly.
Meanwhile, the former SPD chief James Robertson, who was first informed of the allegations against Bernie Fine, maintains that his response to the information was “the best we could do at the time.”
Robertson claims, “In our defense, we’ve never been trained in how to handle actual crimes. So when the guy came to us talking about child abuse and rape and all that, we did what we always do: slapped a parking ticket on his car, collected the money and started planning to break up house parties.”
“In my eyes, we did our civic duty.”
Syracuse Mayor Bethany Gold also stands behind the police department.
“Look, the people who vote for me are the people who complain about student noise, underage drinking, and lack of adequate parking spaces near Starbucks. As far as I’m concerned, the Syracuse Police Department did due diligence to the situation, and got us some money in the process. If Syracuse University and the DA office and whoever else want to look into this whole “child molestation’ thing, they can go ahead, but I’ve got an election to win.”
District Attorney O’Hara is confident that the investigation will not last long. “I can say with one hundred percent certainty that we will win this case and prove that the Syracuse Police Department is, in fact, a fabrication. Take away the parking boots, the pens, the parking ticket pads, and all you have are a bunch of baboons who were probably not invited to the cool parties in college and so want to make sure that college students now don’t get to have cool parties either.”
“They’re the Winklevosses of the police world: they think they’re involved, but they’re really just oafs who want in on the party.”