This article is part of our “Let’s Keep This Website Awesome Over Winter Break” Tournament series. Check out the opposing article here and be sure to ‘like’ your favorite!
Co-written with bossypants Alex Piliouras.
The Art of Passive-Aggressive Facebook Statuses 101: Did
your boyfriend break up with you? Did your mom yell at you for
something TOTALLY STUPID?? Well that’s some BULLSHIT, and your Facebook
friends need to know about it. Except they don’t need to know the
details, they just need to know you’re PISSED and you deserve their
attention! In this class, you’ll learn how to write cryptic Facebook
status updates like, “Ugh, why do I always do this to myself…” and “I
wish I knew who my real friends were :(” Then, if anyone dares comment
asking what’s wrong, you’ll learn how to shut them out immediately with
comments like “Never mind. I don’t wanna talk about it.” Don’t miss out
on this chance to look like a complete and utter pathetic attention
whore!
Saving Money Because You’re Poor and Your Parents Cut You Off 301:
In this class, you’ll learn nothing about Adam Smith or his
“laissez-faire” approach. Nor will you learn anything about how the
stock market works (or doesn’t). What you will learn are economic
strategies that apply to the real, post-collegiate world. Lessons
include: how to live off of White Cheddar Cheez-Its and tap water (rent
not included), how taxes actually work (you lose money, you get the
freedom to be poorer in return), and–the most essential–how to avoid
paying rent (spoiler alert: it involves living with your parents).
Real World Job Skills 400:
RWJS teaches you everyday values that will improve your chance at being
promoted from unpaid intern to paid intern! The class covers everything
you need to know to achieve greatness in the workplace, from memorizing
your boss’s coffee order to memorizing your boss’s boss’s coffee order.
And toward the end of the semester, you’ll learn the art of copying
paper, collating said paper, stapling said paper, and leaving it on your
supervisor’s desk for him to ignore. This is the only way you can
really prepare for your sad, sad future.
How to Dougie 101:
In this introductory class, you’ll learn everything there is to know
about how to Dougie. How to stock your closet with green sweater-vests
and khaki shorts, how to wear a belt on your head in order to turn into a
superhero, how to say the worst thing possibly any time your
condiment-related crush is around, and how to always get into terrible
jams with Roger Klotz. Right, Pork Chop?
So Ya Wanna Become a Hipster? 202:
This class will teach you the art of impressing your peers with your
musical knowledge, by inventing a limitless index of non-existent bands
through complex formulae (Verb + “the” + Noun, or Noun + “and the” +
Nouns, or, for more advanced learners, Conjunction + Pronoun + Verb +
“the” Noun(s)). The class will then teach you how to ensure your eternal
coolness via a list of excuses for why you cannot play the band for
peers to hear (“They’re really, really underground, like, they only have
one song recorded and it’s only on 8-Track, but I’m lucky because I saw
them back in high school at the Olive Garden.”)
College Bureaucracy 500:
Though this is a graduate-level class, undergrads may petition to
enroll. In this class, students learn what goes through college
bureaucrats’ minds when making financial/political/social decision
regarding the school community. There is only one textbook for the
class, entitledThe Opposite: Don’t Let Logic Cloud Your Decision-Making.
Class lectures typically pertain to explanations on why your tuition
money went to purchasing a chocolate fountain for the president’s
daughter’s bat mitzvah, why tuition will be rising despite the fact that
there will be a 300% increase in the student population, and why 900
DPS officers are deployed to break up parties, yet not one is around
when an apartment is robbed at gunpoint. All students with questions
will be deferred to the textbook.
Beer and Wine Nonappreciation 202:So
you’ve taken the fine art of beer and wine appreciation and tasted the
highest quality local microbrews and the purest red wines aged for
dozens of years. Now that you’re a pretentious asshole, it’s time to
take your appreciation for alcoholic beverages to the opposite extreme.
In this class, you’ll learn all about how Keystone Lite is manufactured
from fermented cow piss in an old warehouse, and how it compares to
Natty Lite’s alternate strategy of brewing rotted paint thinner with
hand sanitizer. You’ll also be educated on the delicate process of
bagging and boxing Franzia Wine, a favorite for frat bros who are
already so blackout they can’t feel their face enough to taste what
they’re drinking. Here, you’ll learn it’s all about quantity, not
quality.
