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After attending three years of college at two different
schools, I consider myself a collegiate expert. Now, I know what you’re
thinking, “where do you get off labeling yourself an expert?” And to that, I
respond with, “ha, you said “get off.'”

Moreover, I have come home to discuss college life with my
best friends FIVE times! That’s almost eight times! Point is, I’ve become a
pretty good bullshit detector. Everybody has the one high school friend who
talks about how many girls/guys they got with, how many parties they went to,
how much booze they drank, etc. In addition to that, I’m going to address a few
other stories and comments that your high school friends will inevitably run by
you, and what they actually mean. Pay close attention the gender of the person

What he says: Dude, this semester was two words: IN. SANE. Different
girl every night, parties every weekend, basically just drunk the whole time.
So much fun.

What he means
: First off, his vocabulary needs work. Second, he was likely
drunk the whole time, and there were parties every weekend, however he was not
attending them. The different girl every night? You’d be amazed how many girls
there are in the adult entertainment industry.

What she says: Oh my god I had so much fun! My roommate is
the best. We go out a lot but it’s not too crazy, although this one time”¦no I
shouldn’t say. But it was so fun!!!

What she means
: I have syphilis. And after three weeks of investigation, I have
figured out that I had to have gotten it from one of seven guys. Also my roommate and I make out a lot. Want to
watch for ten bucks?

What he/she says: I got a 4.0!

What he/she means
: My school and/or major is really easy.

What he says: I don’t know man, I’m really feeling this
music thing. A couple of guys and I started jamming together, and we sound
good, bro. Am I crazy for thinking that?

What he means
: Next time I see you, I won’t be in college anymore.

What she says: I miss you guys! High school was so much fun!
Do you remember that time [insert random story here]??

What she means
: I am not nearly as popular as I thought I would be.

What he/she says: Damn, it is cold! I feel like I can’t wear
anything but sweatpants!
What he/she means: I have gained at least 40 pounds from beer and beer alone.

What she says: Your father and I had a great time while you
were gone! I haven’t felt love like that since”¦well since you were”¦er”¦CHICKEN’S

What she means
: Exactly what she said. Stop trying to talk about college
stories with your mom, weirdo.

Remember readers, your friends from home are an integral
part of your life. For some, they are your best friends. For others, they
provide a low, low bar at which to set your standards for college. But for a
lucky select few? Well, they can damn well be both.

Love you all.